Sunday, February 9, 2014

4 Days--And Counting

I've said my goodbyes (or hopefully see you laters) to most of my close friends.  I still have a couple to see on monday and wednesday, and they are some of my oldest friends so it should be interesting.  I'm happy that I've been so busy catching up and reconnecting with people that I love and don't want to lose contact with.  It has been very flattering and validating, and I'm hopeful that our communications will continue on line, and that my relationships with all of my friends will be as fulfilling from a distance as they have been in person.  I know its hard in this busy world to stay connected, and I'm not very good at it either, but I'm going to try.

Last night I got a very rare opportunity via text, to know exactly when Mr. Charisma would not be at home....and believe me, She of Little Combat Boots and I were laughing maniacally at the thought of taking the glasses he bought for us, keepsakes from a romantic dinner and a set for Christmas, to his driveway and smashing them all over for a 'welcome home' present....for him and his gal.  I put She of Little Combat Boots to task, to keep me at home last night so I wouldn't do this nasty thing that I really wanted to do.  And she was successful at keeping me at home.

I find myself still hating Mr. Charisma.  Its odd but since it's all tied up with triggers and scary stuff from my past, I guess I understand it.  But I can't help but feel that 50% of it is about how he got with Miss Right For Now.  I'm very angry at him, no matter how he says it happened, there are too many coincidences in her personal life that gel with the times he tried to pull back or break up with me, for me not to think he was drawn to her for months while still in a serious relationship with me.  I'm not sure if I will ever forgive him for doing the one thing I asked him not to do.  And he promised he wouldn't....he promised he'd tell me if he found himself falling in love with someone else.  I know he thinks he wasn't and doesn't understand....but I can't believe that.  Not from someone his age.  So I'm angry.  And it will be a miracle if I can get out of town without smashing those glasses.  Four days....I can make four days.

And besides, I really want him to hurt much more than a few flat tires.

Spending the weekend with my daughters and She of Little Combat Boots, has been a wonderful weekend, and I'm looking forward to gaming tonight with my kids and friends.  I'm excited at the prospect of getting to Chicago and getting to know my new neighborhood.  And at the same time the more I say goodbye to people I've known for 20 years, the harder it is to go....That Guy I hope to see again, Mr. Hopeful I doubt I'll see again but have made my peace with him.  Mr. Confident I stood up....no more meaningless sex....no more boys that pretend to be men.

I've cried all the tears I'm going to cry for them, and I'm moving on with life.  I know that I have a long way to go to heal from all the anger at my attackers, and Mr. Charisma, but I know I will get there.  I have confidence and hope that my support group both here and all over the world will always be there when I reach out.  I'm happy again for the first time in about 9 months, and I'm lucky that I've gotten to share that with the people in my life.  I wish I had time to see everyone, because you all matter.

I plan on posting lots of pictures and info on what is going on, and I hope that those of you on my friends list that do not do a lot of posting will start.  I love to see your kids growing up and the wonderful and not so wonderful things that happen in your lives.....especially since I can't be with all of you.  Now to organize what jewelry I'm taking and I'm done packing....unless I freak out and try to shrink more in 4 days.  LOL

Keep reading. Keep connected.
Cheers