I can't believe I'm not more tired today, after 11 seven year olds at Ginger Snap's birthday party. I only took 370 pictures, so I must not have had much fun. LOL If you know me in real life I suggest you get over to my Facebook and check out his birthday pictures. It will show you all the fun, games and of course cake and presents. Boy did this kid get a ton of presents from his friends. His Father made it from Iowa and brought presents from that side of the family too, and some of his relatives showed up. The adults and parents put our total up to 24 but it seemed like we were greatly out numbered by kids, even though we weren't. Funny how running and screaming and playing children can seem like a swarm, when there really weren't that many. It gave me a new understanding of what his teacher must go through, she has 30 in her class. wow.
Ginger Snap stayed at the hotel with his Father last night but they will be here soon for our presents, since today is the actual birthday. I can hardly believe he was born seven years ago. It seems like Second Daughter left for New York just two years ago, and that was five. Can time really have flown by me so quickly?
Being here makes me realize just how much of my life I have left slide by in doing jobs I hated and being so tired and depressed from disappointment upon disappointment. For the first time since my kids were both home, my mom was still alive, and I was dating this nice guy, I feel happy. Really happy and needed in my life and satisfied with where I am and who I'm becoming. I feel very much like I did four years ago when Mr. Practical woke up my desires to be loved again, after so many years of being single. But much more content because this change is all internal. I have come here by a very rocky road, and made some very bad decisions along the way. However, I regret none of them because they all made me smile, and you should never regret a decision that brought you happiness. Even if it didn't last, because the secret to life is that happiness doesn't last. The good news is that neither does sadness or depression. You can help yourself out of it. Sometimes pills help, my meds are doing a good job and I must confess I'm down to only one prescription now, I keep the other handy for a panic attack or 11 seven year olds. LOL but for the most part I'm down to just the prozac for the depression. I will slowly start to wean myself off it once I'm on my last prescription, IF I, and my family, feel that my changes are for the better.
Communication is the hardest thing when you are depressed, and it's the thing you need the most. Crazy but it's true. And the family members that watch you spiral downward into your head...being too much inside your own head and not a part of the world anymore, are helpless to communicate with you. It's not because they don't see or don't understand or don't care what is happening, its just that they may have never 'been there' and don't have any experience for what you are actually feeling. The negative self talk that keeps you up at night, the low self esteem that keeps you down when you are awake, and the real belief that you will never be happy again, is so isolating. You can be surrounded by people you love, as I was and am, and still feel lonely and alone.
If you feel like this now, and were like me in December, feeling close to checking out, DON'T DO IT! (my old trivia team will appreciate this reference) If you feel alone, stop, breathe, and really look around you and understand that you are not alone. You have never been all alone, and never will be, because you always have YOU. And part of depression is not liking yourself, not wanting to be with you. But you see you can't run from that. You can't numb that with drugs. You can't push that away like a bad relationship. If you can't enjoy your own company you can never find any happiness with others. Remember at one time in your life, maybe when you were seven, like Ginger Snap, you were happy, bouncing, full of joy and love for everyone in the world because no one had really hurt you yet. No one had really let you down.....let me rephrase that....you hadn't made the choice to let anyone hurt you or let you down. You were still letting your parents make those choices for you. Remember how carefree you were as a child? Remember how loving? How trusting? Be that again! See the world as a child sees the world, with all the magic in tact. Don't grow up too much, and you will find your happy again.