Ever get CGB or SBB? (Crazy Girl Brain, or Stupid Boy Brain, for you new readers out there). Well, I do. And I've decided it's a real disorder. Like agoraphobia or some other phobia. But the best way I can explain CGB, and I can only explain CGB because I'm a girl, I assume Stupid Boy Brain works in reverse as all things masculine seem reversed to me. But with CGB, I get a thought, and it crosses my mind...a lot. Back and forth, criss-crossing until it has a mind of its own. A direction, that usually points to the negative scale of my emotions. It's actually too bad I can't have happy CGB, but I guess then it wouldn't be crazy.
And the thoughts compile, with reasons that seem logical, and explanations where I have none, to fill in the gaps of reason. I know what you're thinking....I'm a girl and I can't think logically or with reason. HA! Well, ok...I'll help perpetuate that myth. To me, they seem reasonable conclusions. And in the past, I have not listened to my CGB, because I think its crazy. I also have a really accurate 'gut reaction'. But guess what? I don't listen to it either. Because usually it tells me to NOT do what I want to do.
I wonder who wins in that scenario?
Right. So. This dangerous combination of seeing the red flags and ignoring them, is probably my fatal flaw. One which can make me both endearing and sexy, and infuriatingly hard to deal with. I have a knack for creating my own drama. And so do you. We ALL do. We also all create our own fates. Yep. That's right. We do what we want to do, even if we know it's wrong, or will hurt someone, even ourselves. Because in the end, we are true to ourselves.
But that still doesn't mean you should believe everything you think. Sometimes what you are thinking is the wrong thing. The worst thing for you. Even if it feels good. Even if it seems right. Even if it's easy. The best things in life are worth fighting for, and believing in. I know what I'm fighting for, and I know what I believe in. And I know the choices I've made in my life don't make my life easier. But they are my choices.
And in the end, even if I believe that I'm alone and will always remain this way, maybe its for my own good. Maybe its because I don't want to hurt anyone again like I've hurt people in the past. Maybe I deserve this. Maybe I'll learn to be happy like this, and stop wishing that I had that one special man by my side to share my thoughts with. Maybe I'll learn to really like my own company enough to know that I'm wasting my life dreaming and hoping. Or maybe I'll just fade away, like a memory to all those who once thought they knew me.
Or maybe I should stop thinking.
Thinking is the thing I do too much of anyway...over think. Do you do that too? Then you have it. CGB, or SBB. It's a self sacrificing sort of feeling. That instead of being happy, being who you are you become who society thinks you should be. OH that's a dangerous trap. Society won't take care of you when you are old and weak and tired. Society won't hold you on a lonely night, or talk you down from the ledge. Society won't listen to your broken heart and share in your successes.
That's one thing I've really stopped doing. Being what society thinks I should be at my age. I get one life. This one. And I'm making it as happy as I can. And if it doesn't fit in with what you think a 'normal' person should be or do, well...that's not my fault. Thats yours.
See, lots of thinking going on. Lots of directions. At least I'm writing. Up to chapter 10 in the second draft my novel now. Waiting for feedback from Mr. Practical. Missing Mr. Hopeful and Mr. Practical and thinking that maybe I should just disappear. It would make everything so much easier for them.
But, don't believe everything you think....