Sunday, July 20, 2014

“I took a deep breath and listened to the old brag of my heart. I am, I am, I am.” ― Sylvia Plath, The Bell Jar

What motivates you?

Serious question time.  Really.  What motivates you?  I used to think it was money.  That I'd do just about any boring job I really hated to support my family.  That got me out of bed every morning and made it worth doing.  To get a paycheck that barely covered our bills, if it covered our bills.  Over ten years ago I filled for bankruptcy.  And I've been up and down since then.  Life.  You learn how to live it on the run.  And unlike all the movies, or music or video games I love there is no pause button to freeze frame a moment in time until you are ready for it.  How great would that be?  Almost like a time machine.

They say (yes, them again, I know, they say a lot).  But they say, that everything happens for a reason and things come to you when you are ready to accept them.  That may be true.  It also may be false.  It may be that your life is your hell.  That we live it on earth.  (they say that too).  It could be that you get what you give.  WOW.  I hope that's both true and not true, for none of us are safe from bad karma.  And then there are the ones that don't think this life matters much at all and have their eyes set on some 'after life'  as if all the suffering will be rewarded once they are dead and buried and forgotten.

What motivates you?

Some daydream of a hopeful future with an impossible person?  That used to be me too.  I used to get bitter at the waiting around for Mr. Right.  The testing to see if Mr. So and So was Mr. Right, and being wrong.  But at least I tried.  At least back in the day, I put myself out there.  Now, I write.  Now I don't put myself out there.  Because now the only men that seem interested in me are unavailable.  You could say, that I only feel safe with married men, because I don't want anymore failed relationships and a married man will leave me alone.  RIGHT.  Married men are the worst.  Take it from me.  They tell you all sorts of things that are wrong with their wives, and marriages but they don't leave.  They run back for many reasons.  Depends on the man and his situations.  What kills me is they are all very different, but this one thing rings true with all of the ones I've met and had relationships with.  They want something from their wives they aren't getting and the wives either don't know they want it, or refuse to give them, so they find it from another woman.  But the part that really sucks is that the women don't know or if they do, they don't care.  And they still go back to them.  The wives feel that their husbands would never cheat on them.  That sure, the marriage isn't perfect but what marriage is?  Or the ever popular and the one I could never understand because I hate sharing, is, well, let him have his fun, it's only sex.  ONLY SEX!  WOW.  If that were true.  There would never be any loss or heartbreak.  But it's not only sex.  It is so intimate.  So revealing.  I know things about them that I bet their own wives don't know.  And they should.  But sometimes its scary to talk to someone you love that much.  Someone you are really afraid to lose.  See, they aren't really afraid to lose me, and they aren't talking about me, so it's easy to tell me what's wrong.  And easy for me to fix it.  Temporarily, because they don't stay.

So after three failed marriages, I can say no marriage is perfect.  But after three failed marriages I know what NOT to do.  And I know what both partners should do.  After being a mistress, twice and a shameless flirt more times than I want to admit, I've changed.  Now I feel boring.  But its not that.  No I still love sex and the men that can bring it.  Its just that THAT kind of attention is not what motivates me anymore.  And as much as I miss it and as good as it can be, the more I'm without it the more I find that I don't need it.  Want it yes, need it no.

What motivates you?

Still haven't answered it.  I guess the most interesting people I've met are over 40 and still don't know what they want to be when they grow up.  Like me.  What motivates me?  Every day.  Every single day is a new day to try to be the best you.  The best person you can be.  So that when you try to sleep at night you can sleep instead of think.  Every single day could be the day that changed your entire life.  So get up.  Do what you want with your life.  Even if it's just sitting in bed and writing.  But do something.  Create something.  Or someone.  Kids are nice.  Messy, but nice.  But don't create a kid in hopes that they will save you.  They will change you, and you will save them.  But they won't save you.  So if you need saving, don't have kids.  Raise yourself first.  Love yourself first.  Before you try to love anyone else, accept who you are.  And like yourself.  I promise you if you don't you cannot like or love anyone else.  I've seen it happen.   I've seen loving men grow to hate themselves and get depressed.  I've seen happy people become bitter at the life they have instead of being thankful that they are aware.  ALIVE.  That's the real motivation.  You ARE.