Sunday, January 10, 2016

A Time To Mourn, And A Time To Dance

I'm grieving this weekend.  Giving myself time to mourn a loss.  Something I don't do enough of.  Give myself permission and time to mourn loss.  Not me.  I'm too strong for that shit.  But, not this time.  This time is too important.  This time it's a long term companion that I walk away from. 

So this weekend I hibernate and feel.  This weekend everytime I think of him fondly I'll remember that was the play.  That wasn't real, that was him playing you.

And now he tells me its because he can't disrespect me anymore, and he hopes I know that.

So here's where it gets really sticky.

That means that all the other times he was disrespecting me and I thought that he loved me.  And now he can't disrespect me which means he loves and respects me the most right now, and I feel rejected and hurt and left.

Go figure.

Oh Geeves...more Baily's in my coffee please    

I wish I had a real Geeves to get me things in my studio.  But he'd have to be a miniature butler,  and battery powered.  Reminds me of the Dresdan Dolls song, "Coin Operated Boy".  It's about a vibrator.  Mr. Charisma thought it was the best song on a cd I made him once.  That's when I knew his 'romantic style' was all part of the play.  With Mr. Hopeful, I knew when he started sounding like Mr. Charisma and acting like him.  Like his line last weekend, telling me he'd be right here, gaming, just let him know when I was finished with my blog.  Mr. Charisma used to say that as he lay next to me on a Sunday morning.  A time I used to think was very romantic and special and now I realize was probably the only available space in his busy, busy social calendar.  That's when I knew that I'd become as important to Mr. Hopeful as I had to Mr. Charisma.  And I basically was in shock last weekend as he walked out my door.  As much as I have seen, I never saw that coming. 

Tomorrow it stops.  Tomorrow I go back to being strong.  Tomorrow...oh jesus, the theatre person in me is torn between the song from Annie (Tomorrow Tomorrow) and Scarlet's famous line "Tomorrow is another day".  And I smile because sometimes I do make myself laugh.  And I think that having a sense of humor is the one thing that saves me from depression right now.  Or maybe I've just learned enough coping skills to sneak around it.  I don't know.  But I really thought after how sad I was with Mr. Practical, and Mr. Charisma and I'd only known them 4 and 1 year respectively, that I'd be much more devastated with the loss of Mr. Hopeful.  But I'm not.  Maybe I'm just so numb right now that I can't feel anything.

Why are the biggest break ups for me always close or on a holiday?

Have you ever been living your life and thought, This is not my life, how did I get here.  (Cue Talking Heads)  Because I have, more times than I want to admit.  But as I look out my window from my internest corner, that everyone seems to take over when they come visit, I know I am happy here.  His visit only reminded me how smart I was to move.  And a memory is all that's left for you now, you see your gypsy (Cue Fleetwood Mac)

I wonder if there is a special ring of hell sometimes for me.