Sunday, January 24, 2016

Forward Movement

I open my eyes.
I don't want to get out of bed. 
I don't want to adult today.
I am tired.
I am lazy.
I am stressed.
I need food.
I need to go to the bank.
I need to file my taxes.
I need to get out more.
I should write.
I should color my hair.
I should walk away.
I can't walk away.
I can't stay in bed.
I open my eyes.

This is what anxiety sounds like in my head.  A buzzing of voices telling me what to do, all with equal pulling toward movement of some kind.  Movement forward is best.  I've been moving backward for too many years now. 

But forward used to be exciting to me.  When I had a partner in crime.  Now it's kind of scary.  I guess that's my experience telling me to open my eyes and just keep walking.  Keep trying and keep my head up.  But

Sometimes I get really tired doing that.  Especially alone.  Its the only time I really feel being single.  Is coming home from work and no one there waiting for me or for me to anticipate coming home.  No one to share my day with.  This is why my friends are so important to me.  The ones that check in daily or every other day.  You KNOW who you are.  They are the ones that are either depressed and anxiety ridden too or they just care that much about me or both.  YOU know who YOU are.  I just wanted to take a moment to let you all understand how much I love you and how special you are to me.  How my life would feel lacking without you in it.  And none of you are near me, so this electric communication is all I have of you.  My moments sharing tv shows, or chatting for hours about feelings, or life and what we did that day.  Tiny little moments of wonderful connecting. 

My internet life has become more real than my real life.  Much more social than my real life.  That seems both strange to me and somehow expected.  And my bestie, Poet In My Heart wants me to go on an on line dating service.  I'm hesitant.  I know I need to move on in a physical sense from Mr. Hopeful, but as That Guy would say, "its not high on your list".  And he'd be right.  Perhaps some physical comfort would help my state of lonely, but that actually seems to pass rather quickly when I am outside in the world and actually see what's out there.  Choices become very slim for women over 40.  And I'm just not built for one night stands.  I'm just not.  I hate them.  They never lead to anything.  They don't have a story.  And I'm a writer, I live for the story. 

Truth be told, if I can't have Mr. Hopeful, I'm pretty content with my own company.  I know that sounds like I'm giving up, but it really is just the truth.  I understand why some women stay single now.  It's not that they never loved its that they loved very well and their bar is set very high.  And when you've had that kind of all encompassing arms enfolding you throughout the night dreaming together, emotion filled eyes that you'd do anything for, stress relieving voice at the end of the day, laughter that makes you happy to hear, and tears that destroy your resolve; well when you've had that you know what love that lasts feels like.  And all of this can even be when you are fighting and seem at your furthest apart.  Not just in the happy times when all is ok.  They say love changes, and it does, but it doesn't too.  When it's real it never does.  Oh we might fake it and pretend that it has to save ourselves too much pain.  Especially when our deepest loves are not the ones we snuggle against.

So love me and check on me, make a date to spend some time with me, and let me live my story.