It's one of those mornings where I was sure I knew what I was going to write about by late last night, and again at 3 am when I woke from a very accurate dream, it seems. One I remember now as having had before, but that's not what this blog is about.
It was going to be, but now it's about hearing something you have never heard from a man before, and didn't realize what was missing until you hear it. It's a phrase as different for each of us as we are different. But we all have one. Like in the movie Waiting to Exhale. Only that's not my phrase. Mine, it turns out is, "Don't worry, I'll be right here, gaming, just let me know when you're finished with your blog."
Wow. I had no snappy come back. I had no armor for that attack...
I had no defense for THAT memory...
Hold up a bit, its been a weekend of first steps down paths that, I believe, will take us further away from each other than we've ever been before, and at the same time, in many ways, closer.
I just have to write.
I have to revisit.
All the truths we held
All the attractions
So I should have listened to the dreams, I should have listened to my gut, I was right.
And yet, I've learned so much about myself in the last three days. I've surprised myself. Because I really have been one of the best representations of me, ever. And I know he sees it. And I know it's not enough. But we'll always have the internest. Hey...my play was almost right. Should have listened to my gut, but I wanted it to play like a comedy, instead of a tragedy. Which I feel, well, both. Which I suppose is the best you can ask for.
I'm a hopeless romantic that happens to be a closet realist. Fucks with my outlook. I see goodbyes so much sooner than most. If you are observant you'll see, I run when I see them. I go far enough to make it necessary to see me. And I'll forever miss you.
And I have way too much booze left over...