Sunday, October 9, 2016

I'm Stronger Than You Know

I figured out why music left my life.  I hated myself.  But I fixed that, and now when I look in the mirror the first thought in my head is not, 'I hate him.'  I'm not really sure when that mantra started but I know it was sometime between when I felt the last straw drop in August 2015, and when the camel's back broke over New Years 2016. 

I've been nursing a broken heart since then, with the hope that every visit would be better.  That he would somehow see me again, just outside the walls.  But to my bitter disappointment, his life that he has chosen,  had finally wormed its way through to us.  To our time.  His worry over his directionless seeming double life had rendered our time together from passionate soulmates with no time for the tech world or cell phones, to paid by a good time party girl and arm chair psychiatrist.  And that is not what I ever wanted or needed from him.  But after this experience I've come to agree with That Guy, "Its the only way he knows how to make friends.  Who has the best weed, booze, and sex.  Not how to actually get intimate with someone."  And like he has himself said, "I deserve so much better than that." 

So after a six year . . .I'm not even sure what to call it other than affair, it certainly didn't have the weight of a relationship anymore. . it's over and done with.  And as sad as I am that I was not the one he chose to be with, that he couldn't see a future with me in it, I am also relieved that I ended it before I was saying, 'I hate you."  I tried to end it back in August of last year, but I became weak with every "I need to see you" that came out of internet void into my cushioned and padded cell.  I had done the same thing to myself that my third husband did when he moved us away from all our friends.  I had hidden myself away from life because my heart was always going to stay invested in Mr. Hopeful. 

So each time he showed up at my door, I'd let him in with hope that the love that introduced us would still be there, but each time he was less and less here.  Less in less in tune with what I wanted and needed as lover in my life or even as a friend. 

I'm hopeful, because of our friendship that we can save that, for God knows he needs one.  And I've been pretty successful in remaining somewhat friends with some of my ex's, even the ones I didn't have children with.  And I think that says a lot for my honesty and ability to be kind as well as firm. 

And pushing him away, is exactly what I'm doing now.  It's not because I don't love him.  I'll always love him, but if we can't be together then it's the only thing to do for us both.  He was never going to leave me anymore than he can leave his life.  But I can.  I can walk away to save us both, and while I know in my heart I will always want to see him.  I will refrain from doing anything except always being here to listen and help if he needs a shoulder or an ear.  Self preservation.  I can't afford to lose it all alone in Chicago.  And after all, wasn't this a big part of why I left?  To rid myself of all the bad memories and relationships that Wisconsin had given my love life?

My only regret is that my kids still live there so going back there will happen.  The holidays fast approach and I'll be with my kids, which makes me so happy my heart soars.  I understand completely how choosing your kids is the only choice you have.   Without them in my life I'm sure I would be dead now.  But with that being said, that doesn't mean you have to also choose their fathers if the life you built together has fallen apart or become negative for you all.  I have no regrets at having allowed love to come into my life again.  I'd be a hypocrite if I did.  For I've always preached that you never walk away from a chance at love, because you just don't know what that love could be.  But in this case I believe that continuing after I moved was what killed us.  That and me trying to move on, unsuccessfully, with Mr. Charisma.    Another thing I can blame Mr. C for in my curse.  (insert evil laugh here).  Cursing Mr. Hopeful is not an option, for I believe we will always be friends and chat about our lives like Mr. Practical and I still do.  It will be much more healthy for us and perhaps in a shorter time than he imagines, he will feel relieved that this double life is over.  Fate has shown me a path I must take, now we wait for Time to heal.