Most of yesterday I spent trapped inside my head listening to the chatter. I haven't had a day or night like that in a long time. Not since, what I like to call, the meltdown. Or Life Before The Lobotomy as Green Day would say. That would have been Christmas 2013 and in that time it took me only two months of intensive group therapy to make a change in my life for the better. Once the chatter started, and for those of you that aren't depressed or anxiety ridden, the chatter is different for each of us. For me, it's always doom and gloom about things that might happen in my financial situation but haven't happened. . .yet. That is to say I can see the house of cards I've carefully built being destroyed by just about anything, and so I'm very protective of it. So much so that I can't seem to stop my mind from telling myself that it doesn't matter that I have a million opportunities in the city, nothing will help. It's a defeatist attitude and one I abhor in others and always try to do my best to help them see the bright side. I'm really good at it when it's someone else that needs cheering up. I fall very short when it's my own life.
So in-between trying to stop the chatter by gaming, and watching episodes of Oz and cleaning and errands, I started looking at other job opportunities in my field, knowing that the easiest way to make more money is to get a better job. I even searched craig's list for cheaper apartments or roommate situations. I have come to the understanding from my very intelligent daughter that if I want to remain at this job in Chicago that I might need to accept the fact that I will need a roommate. Now I'm a nanny and not in a live in situation right now, but having a roommate would be like that. So no matter how hard I find it to wrap my head around the fact that I would be living with someone that is not my child or my husband or for work, I need to do it. Or resign myself to living in a really bad neighborhood, which I just don't think I can do.
Once I started looking I found that there are a lot of people looking for someone to help them out. And I felt so much better knowing I wasn't alone in my situation. I work full time at what would have been considered a good paying job five years ago, and even in a smaller town where the cost of living is cheaper it would be more than enough, but Chicago is expensive. I felt somehow validated in knowing that other young professionals were feeling the pinch of our way of life in America.
Other than saving every penny I can and hoping that no emergencies or disasters happen, there is not much more I can do at this point as I love my job and changing it might not be for the better. I've been with this family for over two years now and the longevity is also very comforting. Staying positive is the hardest part for me right now, and I need to find a way to get my mind to stop being my worst enemy.
I'm going to try to write and hope I can get lost somewhere in my mind that is positive.