Sunday, October 23, 2016

You Think You're Honest, But You're Not

I've reached a very content place in my life.  My kids are grown and doing well.  My career is one I love and while I'd much rather be wealthy and live the life of world traveler and benefactor, I'd not change it to any other.  Raising children is the most rewarding thing I've ever done with my life and apparently raising my own wasn't enough.  My love life is peaceful and honest, always, because I'm single.  I have all the freedom in the world to do whatever I want whenever I want.  And I do.  Sometimes it's a day on the town to explore and be a tourist, and sometimes it's just enjoying my own company,  for I do find that I like the lack of drama that comes with a life alone.  

No more do I have to say 'it's fine or ok' when I'm biting back my real response or hiding from myself the truth of who I am.  No more do I have to coddle a man's fragile ego while he stomps all over mine.  No more do I have to try to find a way to pay the rent because he's spent that money on booze or drugs or the latest gaming cube, or other women.  No more do I have to fulfill all of his fantasies while mine, while voiced, never happen.  No more do I have to try to be his mother, wife and prostitute all rolled up into one.  No more do I have to wonder after doing and becoming everything he desires, where he is at night, or who he's with.  No more do I have to tell myself that he lies to everyone, except me, and believe it.  No more do I have to wear my hair or clothes or anything for him and never for my sense of style.  No more do I have to wonder how those other couples can be so happy doing this.

It's because they don't do this.

They are happy because they have found someone who loves them for exactly who they are not who they think they are.  The biggest mistake you can make in any relationship is lying about who you are to be with someone.  I know you think you know this already, I thought I knew it too.  But it's why I am happier alone.  I'm myself alone.  But the minute you put a man in the mix with me I start to become who I know he needs.  Who he's told me he desires.  And while he becomes happy as a clam, for a while, I become less and less of who I am.  Until I explode out of the shell I've become into who I really am. 

I blame this chameleon ability on my vivid imagination which makes me a better writer, but not a better person.  You see when you do this to yourself you are, of course, hurting yourself the most but you are also hurting the person you are trying most to please.  Because the mask will fall along with the tears.  And heartbreak should not feel like a constant companion.

Be true to yourself.  No matter the cost.  No matter what you lose along the way because you will gain more than peace of mind and mental health.  You will gain your tribe of like minded people as you become who you are rather than who you think you need to be.