Sunday, February 26, 2017

My Anxiety Didn't Win!

Yesterday was a good day.  I knew I had Flower Girl's third birthday party to attend at three and by nine am I was already trying to talk myself out of going.  Making myself sick and sleepy with anxiety about how uncomfortable I'll feel around all those people.  I got up and got out of bed and did my laundry, which was difficult having been so sick for so long.  Still on antibiotics for three more days and I'm only starting to feel like me again.  I almost fell asleep after, but kept myself awake so I wouldn't get more anxiety.  I watched a couple of movies on HBO that I hadn't seen before, both were OK, not great, but sufficient to get myself out of my head.  And by the time the second one was over it was time to get ready and catch my train.

Surprisingly I was the second to arrive.  I'm usually first because I'll leave before my anxiety has a hold on me, keeping me in bed.  But I was happy to be only a few minutes early.  Green room time was never hard for me, I'm usually at least fifteen minutes early to everything.  Some rehearsals I'd arrive at the same time as the Director.  Early. 

Also to my surprise, everyone was really glad that I had come.  My anxiety had told me I was invited just because I am an employee and that Flower Girl and Beatle Boy would have been disappointed if I wasn't there, not because I was really wanted there.  But as usual my anxiety was wrong.  And the relatives that know me the best were genuinely happy to see me as I was them.  My shyness at the large crowd (round 25) kept me talking to one person at a time, but I like that best anyway.  I was able to make it through all the food, so much food, and the cake.  But chose to leave before presents were being opened as it was getting close to six pm and I had a forty minute train ride ahead of me.  My anxiety won that round and they sent me home with a plate of food.  Such caring people.  I'm truly blessed to work for a family that treats me like family, not the servant that my anxiety tries to convince me is true.

I'd name my anxiety the way Carrie Fisher named her bi-polar personalities, but I think that might give it more power over me, and I can't have that.  So all in all it was a good day yesterday.  And I feel refreshed that I beat my anxiety.  However, today, like a true ambivert, I need to be around less people.  Chatting will work, but I need a day to decompress before the week starts again and I'm thrown into people.  

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