Yesterday I looked in the mirror. I had a long discussion, out loud, alone in my room. A face to face realization about the lessons the rapes taught me and what those actual lessons were, and I wrote about it this morning.
I got three paragraphs written down, and it's good.
But its too personal to share.
So, I'm writing this disclaimer to share instead.
I promise you it was necessary, and I promise you it was not a pleasant conversation. But I can also promise you that it was very, very honest and very liberating. On the other side of this attitude change in me, I can also promise you it's better, I'm better, and closer to the person I see myself being than I have been in twenty years.
The work I still have to do is scary, but also necessary. But all true inner workings on your ego and id are painful. So this is another curve or hill on my trail. Another obstacle in the road to navigate around. We all have them and we all figure out, each in our own way, how to do just that Every Single Day. And for some of us it's every minute of every day but they are the ones in chronic pain. My pains so far are the result of self infliction caused by child molestation. It is very difficult to type those words. Those are the first time I've used them in association with myself. And that felt profound. I am one of the many, many outcomes of being abused as a child. Forgiving yourself of the blame you carry for being raped is hard enough, without having to try to forget the memory of it. And of forever associating sex of any kind, with it. It's not like most of your first times, that you fondly cringe about when asked, "What was your first time like, or Who took your virginity?" Actual questions people (men mostly) have asked me. No my cringes at this question are because the rapist did.
In fact the only reason I blog about it ever is in the hopes that if someone else out there is going through it too, that they know they are not alone. Stats say one in five of us will be raped in our lifetime. I got that in three's too (see unposted blog above), so I've got two of you covered if it never happens to you. You're Welcome. The only reason I share at all, is to let other survivors know what they are feeling is not abnormal. While our stories will be different, our pain is similar. The guilt, the shame, the vengeance, is all very familiar. So much so that between us, we nod in recognition without ever knowing details. Only that we're survivors. And we will continue to survive rather than let the rapist win. See losing ourselves, losing our identity, losing our ability to love or let someone in, is letting the rapist win. I'm trying so hard not to let that happen, but I find myself slipping away into electronic only relationships.
This might be exactly what my internet play needs. Not a happy ending, but an invisible one. From life, once again, comes inspiration.
Cheers
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