Sunday, April 2, 2017

A New Reflection

They say soul mates aren't really the loves of your life, but rather a mirror that holds up a part of who you are, and reflects it back.  There are many reasons for this unique meeting and you will find your soul mates throughout life are quite different from each other but they all reflect a vision of you.  I've never had much luck bringing my soul mates together because they are usually extreme versions of myself.  For example I am friends with my introvert side, my reckless party girl side, my hopeless romantic side, my rape survivor side, my neglected in childhood side, my geeky side.  I'd give you their nicknames but I think it's fun to guess. 

Well, I connected with an acquaintance yesterday, who over the last year has slowly become a friend, and who yesterday called ME, HER  soul mate.  And she's not wrong.  She's young enough to be my daughter and yet nothing like my daughter.  Except in the speed in which she can speak.  We discovered that we can both talk a bloody blue stream, and still not only understand what each other had said while we spoke but continue to discuss topics we both talked over.  It occurred to me that watching us talk or listening to us would play very well on film or stage.  What an original odd couple indeed.  However this trait is certainly not an advantage in any of my personal relationships as I'm sure it's not with her either.  Guess why we met?  Probably for both of us to see two things, 1. that we're not crazy or alone. and 2. how to help each other get better about not talking over, except with each other of course.  :D

Soul mates are not there to show only negative things, and of course we have one, at least, other fantastic saving grace, that is similar.  Our sense of humor.  How refreshing to find someone where I don't have to say, "just kidding" after a joke or explain it.  Rather, she not only laughed but followed up.  Excellent.  I may have found my first real friend beyond acquaintance, here in Chicago. 

We have some serious things in common, abuse, and failed relationships.  Painful emotions of where I am decades past her in some of my reflections and she decades past me in others.   I don't know if you can ever rate the severity of any rape or say one is more horrific than the other but as a rape victim I can say my experiences in it I believe to be much less severe than hers.  And I am amazed at her ability to be strong and discuss painful memories with me, and know she was in a safe place.

I look for that in all my relationships, friends, lovers, and whatever is in-between.  If can't tell a friend anything and still be loved as a friend, what's the point in telling them anything?  What's the point in going beyond acquaintance?  Over the years I've had to admit to myself that friends I considered family were really no more than friends or acquaintances after all.  Having to come to these realizations, was not only painful but typical in my life.  And I'm so sick of it.  I'm sick of picking the wrong people to be close to.  People that disappear.  I know nothing is forever, and I know that distance makes it hard.  But I have a best friend that's been my loyal best friend for over twenty years, and She of Little Combat Boots lives many miles from me.  I guess what I'm trying to say here is that I don't feel like I'm making the wrong choice with Miss Soul.  I think she fits in with my very best long distance soul mates, but I think she's here to help me learn how to 'live' in Chicago.  Not just exist.  The acquaintances I have here have taught me that.  Now it's time to really experience what my city has to offer and not just when friends come to see me.  I'm excited that I had such a good time out with all the people, and we didn't go down town and still complained about the shoppers ahead of us in almost every situation.  It felt good to hear her complain as I would and did.  I felt like everyone that met us must have assumed she was my daughter.  Which of course made me think of First Daughter even more and be super excited for her visit in two weeks.

I guess it's time to try to admit that I'm happy in my single life, and while this blog was started many years ago as a way to try and heal a broken heart, I'm happy it's becoming more of a journal about trying to live.

Cheers