Sunday, April 23, 2017

The Balls In Your Court

I was hoping to write today, but the blank page of my blog this morning seems daunting.  Perhaps I'll still be able to edit.  I'll start there after I accomplish something on this page.  Something worth reading about feelings.  Feelings suck.  It's why I try not to feel them.  HA.  Of course that road never really works with me.  I'm one of the most caring people you'll ever meet, but sometimes there are situations in my life where it's better if I try not to feel.  Or at least try not to express what I'm feeling.  Which goes against my nature.  I was taught to express my emotions and not keep them bottled up inside.  But life has taught me that many times you have to do just that to survive.  As humans its better if we don't act on every emotion we feel, because the consequences could be disastrous.  

Of course I'm sure you already know that, as you've probably acted on emotions that you shouldn't have and the end result wasn't perhaps what you'd expected.  So having learned that lesson, countless times in the past, here I sit.  Wondering if I should act or not.  Knowing I shouldn't and believing I wont are very different levels.  This is a test.  Truth be told I like tests, and life, at least my life, has been full of them. 

If I told you my life story you might think I failed on most of my tests, but I don't see it that way.  I think I'm right where I should be.  And I've always felt that way, no matter where I was in my life.  Each time I married or divorced, I felt it was the right thing to do at the time.  Its funny how some people will comment on my marriages with "Well I married for life."  So did I.  Every time.  But see life is the test.  It throws you curve balls and demands that you react to them.  You can't ignore your life.  Even if you try that's a decision.  And keeps the ball rolling.  Or as my friend and constant temptation, Mr. Hopeful would say, "The balls in their court now."  How true for every relationship in your life.  Every moment of meeting and point of departure its always about the ball being in someone's court. 

But you know, if we all believe that once we serve that ball, then it's the other persons turn to respond, and we wait...
and wait...
and sometimes wait....
and maybe wait too long...
and maybe try to serve many balls to get their attention....
When we finally get a response it's too late.

And our hearts and minds may have already moved on.  Already judged you not worthy of our time or continued attempts at being involved in your lives.  Or including you in ours.  You see when you lose me as a friend you lose everything attached to me too.  Because I'm very good at disappearing if I really want to be gone from your life, I'll just walk away and you'll never hear from me again.  You might forever live in a part of my mind and heart that I keep locked away, in a box or an envelope or an iron bound chest, but locked away you'll be.  For my preservation.  For my well being.  Because you see, I can't afford to care about you if you don't care back.  I have no more time in my life for fake people or people that only want to use me when they need a lift and are oblivious to my times of darkness. 

No, for me it's always been better to make a clean break.  Be called heartless or shallow, fickle or a slut, than to endure relationships where I do all the work.  All the attempts to keep us close and bombard you with many unreturned serves.  I, the anxious one, the mountains out of mole hill woman, have learned to stop trying.  To just let everyone go and see who can't stay away.  I've never had the strength of character to do that before.  I always chased, sometimes even heartbroken I found a way to chase what I thought I wanted, or what I knew I wanted.  But hiding my emotions has never been easy for me, and it never will be.  And in the end, I guess, I have to be ok with that.  Because I've discovered I'd rather feel something.  Than nothing.