Sunday, April 30, 2017

You Are Never Really Alone Unless You Want To Be

Here I sit on a rainy Sunday morning, with my coffee in hand and winning a week long battle with my bronchitis.  Did I tell you I have the best doctor.  She knows my condition so well now after two years of treating me, that she just calls in an antibiotic when I tell her my symptoms.  Like the old days.  I really appreciate that she respects my time is as precious as hers.  Having to leave work when I'm sick is bad enough, but having to take time off to see my doctor is worse.  And nanny guilt is the worse guilt.  They aren't our kids, but we treat them like they are, and we feel just as guilty when we can't take care of them as the parents would.  After all, how many times did I take care of my own kids when I was sick? I almost always had some help from a husband or my mom when that happened.  So rarely.  But in any case with only one day left of my antibiotics I'm feeling much better. 

I'm not sure there must be something in the air.  Are we in a retrograde?  My life feels like it's in a holding pattern.  Have you ever felt that?  That things were chugging along pretty well.  No scary ups or downs just pretty even plodding along.  Not a rut exactly, but if a rut a comfortable one.  Now I'm a worry wort, so obviously I'm on the look out for what is going to happen to rock my boat. 

I feel pretty confident in my abilities to keep my job or find another one if something unforeseen happens, so I don't think it's work.  And I'm pretty good at sticking to a budget although I am having buyers remorse from my recent Ipad purchase.  Not because I don't LOVE it, but because I never feel I'm deserving of expensive things.   In fact the only time I don't feel guilty spending money these days is at the grocery store.  So I don't think it's financial.  That leaves the pillar of love and relationships.  You know they say that you never have all three pillars in line.  That if your successful in your career and relationships you have money issues.  And if you are secure in your debts and relationships its a job concern.  I can't remember a time in my life where I was happy in all three aspects at the same time.  And when torn between say a long distance romance or my job, well I'm going to pick my job every time. 

And while there is still no one special in my life I can truly call my own, my heart does soften occasionally, well always, for Mr. Hopeful when he gets in that mood of his.  That mood I've come to call 'the roller coaster'.  It usually starts off slow, when he's been alone too long without any family or friends around to boost his ego or make him feel special enough.  Then it builds into a mutual reminiscing of the past both specific and general of what 'could have been' or the mistakes we made.  Then when it reaches the top its a free for all of emotional ups and downs as he tries to wrestle with his heart, mind and conscience.  Most of the time this is filled with promises to see me that he will cancel when his mind wins.  Until finally it stops and all is calm until the next ride.  I go along for the ride because I love him.  But I also have some earlier experience with this ride.

My first husband who was also an alcoholic at that time in our lives, was the same way.  Up and down.  In my twenties it was sometimes exciting, always a worry, and eventually why we spit up.  Couldn't raise our son in an environment of drugs and booze and when I say he was a functioning drunk, let me amend that after we left, he clinically drank himself to death, at 24, and was zapped back to life at an ER.   He's 10,000 days sober now, and I couldn't be happier for his life outcome. 

Last night I was watching The 2017 Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, on HBO Now or Go or whatever it's called when you have HBO.  So you can pause it and watch what you want when you want.  I was going to watch all by myself when I get a mysterious text from my third ex husband Mr. Selfish asking if I'd seen it yet. Crazy.  So he kept me company as I watched some of our favorite old bands get inducted.  Yes and ELO were the ones that hit the hardest and we found ourselves reminiscing in a comfortable merry-go-round kind of way and both of us missing Darth Vader, my second husband, very much.  And the times we had as kids in high school together cruising to ELO and Rush in the Green Dragon.  Darth's car.  Then out of the blue Mr. Hopeful shows up and I can't wait to share with him Rush inducting Yes into the Hall as well,  but by the time Pearl Jam came up that was more about Mr. Hopeful's times, than Mr. Selfish.  And then Mr. Practical shows up and I'm sharing the same Yes moments with him, in a Tilt-A-Whirl stream of data that makes his head spin.  So maybe this is the the universe or Fates little push to show me that its the relationship pillar that is going to rock my boat.  But the jokes on her.  All of them are ex's and you can't go back.  So for me, while I'm very comfortable FINALLY reminiscing about the past and not letting it depress me or make me feel guilty or not know why it makes me sad, I wonder if they are. 

I think because they all care about me and don't want to hurt me or wish me any ill will they are afraid that I'll get hurt if they have too much fun on the ride, or get too serious about it.  So rather than explore any real feelings because you can't change your life anyway, right?  They don't.  And I try not to either, because I don't want to lead them on or hurt them either.  Sometimes I think people who aren't happy alone, or who are in happy relationships can't understand it when someone is actually happy and quite fulfilled alone.  I don't think I would be without my adult children, or the wee ones I nanny for.  But I am truly happy and doing well.  So far.  Alone.  But last night felt pretty good to be so popular all at once.  And reminded me that I'm never really alone unless I want to be.