Sunday, January 1, 2012

The Great Meltdown of 2011

The year is over, and it went out with a bang followed by a whimper and then the flood gates opened.  What I had hoped would be the final climb out of the pit I had flung myself into, ended up being a slip back down into it's depths.  This Christmas and New Years has been very difficult.  I've had many beautiful moments, surrounded by family and friends that I can relate to and love.  But it's not the same somehow.  I still feel so alone, so single.  And I'm so tired of the failure and rejection.

This New Year started with pretend happiness, smothered in booze and served hot at my favorite bars, with a side order of some of my favorite girlfriends.  I ran into some old friends and exchanged all too brief hugs or moments of real human connection.  My heart aches for this.  Now that my heart has been reawakened, to his presence in it, I feel so empty and incomplete without him.  Like I'm just plugging away, or going through the motions of life, but not living life or really enjoying the moments I try to create for myself.

For a while it seemed that self medication was helping.  I was numb enough to not care, or make myself believe I didn't care, or something like that.  But now it's getting to the point where I am afraid to be alone for too long, and be awake.  So I sleep a lot when I'm home alone, or I'm on line playing stupid mind numbing games to pass the time while I watch equally stupid television shows that pass for entertainment.  (actually that is kind of hard, the ones I watch are good enough to make me forget or worse, imagine you with me, during them)...  I should be writing....  I should be making the best out of my business....  I should be trying harder to make my dreams come true instead of being obsessed with this one failure.

I'm so sick of heartbreak.  I'm so sick of hormones that make it impossible to talk myself out of this.  Ten years ago, I could talk myself out of anything, any feeling that sucked, and my attitude was everything.  I was a fucking professional at my emotional control!  But this change of life....This midlife crisis....This is overwhelming.

I found myself, early this morning around 1 am, sprawled on my kingsize bed, and crying...no bawling, uncontrollability.  It sounded like the kind of tears you hear when passing urgent care or the ER at 1 am on a holiday, or a full moon.  The kind of heartbreaking wales, moans and whimpers that usually follow news of death.  I think I might have even uttered the word 'no' a few times.

Add on top of all this my dreams.  And I don't mean the ones of being a respected writer.  I mean the nightmare type dreams.  Lately I've had a couple that are disturbing for different reasons.  The first is my bare throat being cut by a very sharp knife,and the blood ozzing out, not gushing...in bright, vibrant, Quintin Tarantino RED.   (this one means that i'm having difficulty explaining what I mean and what I want, my words are not getting through---i looked it up)  The second one is erotic, incredibly and surprising erotic and stars myself and one of my ex husbands.(want a hint which one?  He likes RUSH....no, wait they all did...um...he likes classic rock....CRAP...that fits them all as well....okay....he finally beat me at Star Wars, but it took YEARS!)  This oddly timed dream means that that marriage, had something in it that relates to this current relationship and it reminding me of this one....I looked it up, dreaming of your ex is not what it appears to be, as with anything.  Although, I will say, I think that this ex is significant because of the way it ended.  Its the ending I hope will happen, but I know it wont.  So I'm left with longing for something I can never have.  (NIN day!...YES)

This is Karma on a GRAND scale, btw.  I want you to know that.  I understand how hurt you were, I really do now, for the pain I'm experiencing on my side of this love, this time....is....well, lets just say, I'm happy he made it through it alive, and hope I do as well.

Happy New Year.  I need one.