It has been a rather uneventful week. Work wise things fell into place for this coming week. Learning to live by commission is difficult, and it takes a lot of discipline. Discipline that I don't think I had in my twenties. Discipline to not spend every dime, and save for the 'what if' something goes wrong, months. And for taxes next year. My 'want to' is to be successful at this goal, my 'how to' is my self discipline.
Self discipline is the hardest thing I do for myself on a daily basis. No matter what I'm facing. Work, love life, partying life. I work hard and I party hard. This is my choice and I'm happy with it. Because my business is rolling, I'm getting more and more busy during the day. I could pretty much be guaranteed to be able to fit in a lunch date or re arrange my work calendar to fit in a social event. But my 'want to' is becoming more and more difficult to accomplish. My mind tries to plan a 'how to', but the plans usually fall through. This is a huge inconvenience. There is one special person in my life that I may not get to see much anymore, and this saddens me. I can't figure out a 'how to'.
But such is life, and life has a way of putting obstacles in your path to see what is really important to you. What you really need. And while I believe I need him in my life, and want to spend time with him, if I couldn't it would not destroy me. Because I believe I know both our hearts and time and distance will not change feelings. Not time and distance alone. They help, but they are not the culprits. No the real culprit is self discipline.
I came to a decision a couple of weeks ago after the best date of my entire life, and it is this. I'd rather be alone than be without him. And I know this will probably drive him away, I can't help what I feel, and refuse to try. My love for him will remain until it doesn't. And I know nothing is forever. Although these feelings, as they always do, feel like they will be around forever, only time will tell. And as a self discipline test of my affections for him I decided that no matter how much I was tempted, I would not bring a 'toy' home with me after the Pat concert...which I have done in the past. I told myself and the universe that I would be good, and content in the love I feel for him and see if I found it difficult at all. If I was going to be tempted it would be there. With all the drinking and joyous vibes that surround the usual Pat concert..
Of course I ran into a 'toy', Crisis. And he was not up front with us as he usually is, and didn't make any effort to even say hello to me, we literally ran into each other in a doorway, hugged and said hi, and moved on. just like that, it was over. It felt like he was hoping I wouldn't notice he was there. And I wasn't even upset. Had I had any real emotion for Crisis I would have been. And while I've felt completely indifferent to my 'toys' for a while now, it felt good that the universe was helping me with my decision. I also need to say I was not a flirt last night. And I usually am. So part of me is afraid that I've 'turned it off' again as my daughter-in-law might accuse me of. And she might be right. But if that's the case....then it's over my love for him.
Strangely enough, it wouldn't be the first time I've hidden for decade over wanting to be alone if I can't have my hearts desire. Now if you are a constant reader you know I like change, and growth. And this seems like a habit....like self discipline is a habit....but is this a good habit for me? Is it time again to be the hermit? Will my memories of us get me through a busy time, without my 'crazy girl brain' being my worst enemy?
I wonder.
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