Sunday, September 9, 2012

All About The A Team....

Some of you may know from reading this blog that my Sunday morning ritual usually consists of me getting up early to read Post Secret with my coffee before posting and then getting on with my day...but my weekend has been a bit flipped on its end this week.  This morning I slept in, and was awakened, joyfully, by Mr. Hopeful with 'good morning' wishes.  I love it when he finds time to do this.  It sounds like such a small thing, but it is not.  It is huge to take time to say that, to express your heart and be open and vulnerable with someone you trust completely.  It makes up for the time we can't spend together that we both want and wish for.  I know this, and it makes me happy, but some days it also makes me regret all the chances I did not take with him, that I should have.  As my first husband would say, "Oh well."  (cue Fleetwood Mac)

So, my usual morning ritual is now taking place almost two hours later than it should.  While reading Post Secret today, there were a couple of ones about regret that stuck with me, the first was, "I'll never regret anything more than the chances I didn't take with you."  That one I've already expressed how hard it hit, and who it reminded me of, the other one, "I walked away.  Reconsidered.  Walked back to kiss you.  Whatever that meant.  You were already on the plane."  WOW...that one snapped me all the way back to Mr. Practical.  And a vacation two springs ago that I had such a difficult time coming home from.  In fact, That Guy threatened, "Don't make me come out there and bring you back."  Is funner now than it was then.  I regret getting on that plane, and leaving Mr. Practical.  Almost as much as I regret all the missed opportunities with Mr. Hopeful.  At least That Guy is a good enough friend to keep me distracted from all my self made drama.

You know that's the real kicker isn't?  All of this regret is something I've allowed to happen in my life.  Now here is where all you arm chair psychiatrists are going to weigh in with the 'why's' and the psycho-babble of what that means.  And it means nothing really.  The reason I have drama in my life is not because I want drama.  It's because I'm still alive and want to live my life and love.  And love is always a risk.  Always full of drama.  Because you can't love someone completely, and not make yourself vulnerable to the possibility that you will be hurt...or that you will hurt them.

And here's the next bit.  Am I hurt?  No, not really.  Not unless I allow myself to dwell on things from the past that I can't change.  Not unless I fall too deeply in a fantasy world of what I think I have with them as compared to what I have with them.  Not unless I want too much.  I might have to group my distractions into two different catagories...The A Team and the Benched Toys.  LOL....Speaking of benched toys, Mr. Confident and Crisis are nowhere to be seen and I haven't heard from either in months, again.  I like to make bets with myself as to how long it will take them to miss me enough to text me.  Crisis, I never expect to see again, and while I'll be nice if I do, I really think I'll pretend not to see him if I do.  And Mr. Confident, well, he's so confident..I expect that  in a couple more months he'll, out of the blue, contact me.  I plan to be washing my hair that night.  The A Team I am much more interested in spending time with, and find myself dropping things to do so.  This is not a problem for me.  I like having plans.  But you know the A Team...always on the move fighting crime....so it's exciting to spontaneously try to meet.  Keeps it special.  Keeps it necessary.  Makes me feel like I'm missed so much, that they just had to plan something to see me, or hope to catch me.

What I don't like, is the feeling that I'm always second in their plans.  I know this isn't always true, I know sometimes I AM the plan.  LOL....but....can you blame me for wanting more?  Can you blame me for deserving just one of them full time?  Or maybe a weekly night....something to look forward to....a planned time together.  See this is the wanting too much part...

And so I stumble along, collecting more and more applications for The A Team...or the Toy Chest...or...perhaps someday soon....I might actually meet the Coach...wouldn't that be the REAL kicker...
To meet a man, that has me so smitten, that I'd give the Toy Chest to Goodwill...and my fond farewells to The A Team?  The funny thing about the A Team, is they all individually believe that I would never stop seeing them.  That even if I found the Coach, and was happy and in a committed relationship, I'd still go out and party with them, or meet them on line...'just to chat'  or ....well you get the idea.  And you know what?  They may be right.  Over the last two years I have become quite connected to them.  Maybe too much...maybe not.  The only thing I know for sure, is that I'm much happier living this life than I ever was married.  As difficult as the logistics are...I find myself stronger and more confident with them in my lives then I did without them.  And for that, I will always be thankful for my A Team.....

.....maybe I should be the Coach.....
now I'm just thinking naughty....better stop while I'm ahead.

Cheers. :)