Sunday, September 23, 2012

The Wrath

So for the last three months I have been battling with my hormones.  This is apparently completely normal for my 'time of life' and I'm entirely not happy with it.  But I move through the waves of paranoia, fear, doubt and guilt, that accompany my feelings of trust, confidence, calm, and innocence.  My emotions are continually changing in any given conversation like a spastic child turning on and off a light switch just to annoy his parents.  I'm getting pretty good at it, although I did have a melt down Friday and I commend any of my family and friends who are still talking to me.  Those of you that missed it consider yourself lucky that I was able to spare you the wrath and swift strike of my emotional judgment.  It ain't pretty, and I ain't proud of it.  But it's there.  And apparently it's going to be there until it stops.  And I hope that will be soon.  Time will tell.

WARNING:  If you don't like talking about sex stop reading now.  thanks

The raging hormones have become somewhat humorous as well.  I find myself attracted to all sorts of penis. Yes..that's right, just the penis...I find that except in the rare cases of Mr. Hopeful, Mr. Practical and That Guy, I'm not interested at all in who is attached to said penis.  Kind of like a 17 year old boy, who just sees boobs, and never really looks at your know that guy.  Anyway...I've never been this woman.  Far from it.  In fact I usually don't even notice when a guy is interested in me.  To which any of you that have been out with me can attest.  I just don't care enough, unless you have the balls to actually talk to me, why should I notice?  Anyway...not anymore.  Now my head is on a lazy-susan, and just spins.

I know it's my biological clock saying, "Lets MOVE these eggs NOW!  MOVE! MOVE IT!"  Like a Marine Corps Drill Sargent getting the troops ready for the coming enemy.  While my body is demanding I procreate, my mind is saying.  "UH..NOPE.  Not happening."  And my mind wins every time.  Hands down. But it doesn't erase or stop the biology of it.  That wave of pent up emotions floods through my every day life and colors all I see with irrational fears.  I know it's what most of us experience on a daily basis and can control quite easily that irritating voice that tells us our doom.  Imagine that you can't control it. Imagine that the volume switch in your head that controls that is broken, and the voice just keeps on telling you how wrong you are in every decision you make, and how untrustworthy everyone you love is.  That's what it's like.  I know on an intellectual level what it is...but some emotions win.

This got me thinking about how women of my age, and younger who are para-menopausal, go through these extreme life changes.   Some turn into cougars after years of happy marriage (or years of pretending to be happy).  Some become so uninterested in sex that their husbands throw up their hands in defeat and acquire said cougar for a mistress.  Or they may have their own male menopause which might have to be a blog next week...but mistress it is.  Some just cry all the time, which is so attractive...not.  And others are angry all the time, same attractiveness level.  I wonder if it's hormonal when a long time lesbian is all of a sudden attracted to a penis....hum....kind of gives credence to the old excuse of , "I don't KNOW what happened."  I've been trying to fight mine with humor.  And so far it is serving me well, however on really bad days I find my sarcastic tone to be almost unbearable even for me.

I also notice that the slightest change in a persons normal pattern immediately conjures up some deficit in me rather than in an emergency or technical difficulty or some other normal excuse for not spending time with me.  This is also not the woman I ever was.  I act like it's cool, but it so plays on all those fears and paranoia.     For example:  Is Mr. Hopeful not talking to me this morning because he all of a sudden is trying to break up with me?  Or is it because his internet is failing again and he might just be busy?  You see in this example how both voices are raging, and how I try to listen to the logical one, but the louder one usually wins...even if its just until the next persons change in pattern distracts me to them.  And then comes the WRATH.  All I can hear in my mind is Kevin Spacey's character (John Doe) in Seven saying to Brad Pitt's character (David Mills):  "Become wrath."  This makes me sense of humor is evil on occasion, and I think that helps.

I hold in the wrath no matter who it's directed to, until after months or weeks of swallowing that bile, I find that I can't hold it any longer and it comes exploding out on the person that deserves it.  I try not to have my exploding bile (sounds like a D&D monster...Mr. Practical can you work on that for your campaign? Thank you.) pile up on to any one person, or take something out on you that you don't deserve.  I have compartments for all of you, and I keep track of your bile meters.  I try to use the exhaust valve whenever I can talk myself out of this irrational emotional trend, and that works too.  Usually a well meaning friend talks me down from the cliff or pit I'm about to toss myself into.  And thankfully after the last three months and only one really serious melt down, I am happy to report that I think I'm getting use to this....

Well maybe not happy to report, but at least this means I'm trying to get a handle on this, and it is getting better from my point of view.  I hope it's getting better from yours.  However the one thing I can say for certain, is I have felt over the last three months, with all the disappointment and all the cancelled plans, and all the job ups and downs, that I've gotten stronger again.  And much less likely to fall into that pit.  I see it over there, but I didn't like being in it last November and December.  That sucked.  And the holidays are fast approaching....I don't want to be there again.  And my plan is to avoid it.  I'm trying to busy myself with people and activities.  I'm trying to ignore the pain of my loneliness and realize that while I may not have anyone lying next to me, at least I don't have anyone lying to me.