Sunday, December 2, 2012

Getting In Tune

So for those music savvy enough to see these things without me telling you, good for you.  For the rest, this is the second week I've used a song title for the title of my blog and believe me they aren't random, but if I told you where they are coming from, well, I'd have to kill you, so best you don't know.  (Oh and if you don't know last weeks song or this week, I suggest you look them up, and become educated in music I love).
Getting In Tune, this has been a huge week for me doing just that.  Caught a nasty bug from one of the A Team and we've been sick together this week.  Even sick can't keep Mr. Charisma away, apparently. Three times last week, and I'm seeing him at some point in time today, so again, a jump on next week.  I do love attention, and I'm very in tune to him.  The connection is not only strong but becoming sturdy.  Maybe not as sturdy as Mr. Hopeful or Mr. Practical, but surprisingly well on his way to becoming a very good friend.  This is a huge distinction, and really why he's on the team, after all.

Getting In Tune with Mr. H has been difficult, lots of stress there for him so it kind of sloshes over onto me and effects how I react when around around him.  I don't mind being there for him as a friend and confident, how could I?  Its part of who we are, but sometimes, I wish he could just leave all that behind, take a deep breath, and just be, completely in the moment, with me.  Sometimes I think is, well probably most the time.  And it's really impossible to discuss how we are and catch up without talking about our families and jobs and 'real life, and the life that you know...'  oops, early song cue...Hang on Stevie, your time will come.  Of course its our real lives that keep us apart and seeing each other so seldom, that I almost for get what it feels like to just be with him.  But I did get to see him this week, very unexpectantly after he told me it was out this week.  Guess Fate had different plans.   But I'm in tune there too, it's fainter than it was, almost being drowned out by the holiday stress and noise.  But sometimes, when I'm sure he must be thinking of me, he pops into the forefront of my thoughts, and sometimes its at the most incontinent moments.  He is still, after two years, like a computer program that is consistently running in the background of my thoughts.

Getting In Tune with Mr. Practical, this is much more difficult and something that snuck up on me.  And believe me, I NEVER (never say never) expected it.  This strong and sturdy connection that I've been in tune with for,well, I guess since the beginning really, but especially in the last two years, is starting to fade.  I hardly feel him anymore and it worried me greatly in the beginning.  And I've come up with several reasons, he's also under some incredible stresses in his life, both business and personal, like Mr. H.  However Mr. P doesn't complain about it, nor does he talk much about the things that are disturbing him, unless I ask him.  And you know do.  The good news is that I really feel like I'm advising him with no agenda other than being best friends.  I'm not going to admit that maybe I've fallen out of love with him, but I will admit that the fires of passion have been successfully banked, and I'm even okay with knowing where they are.  Like a favorite old blanket, that I grab every evening to feel comfortable and safe.  It's a sturdy connection, and I know we are both in the same place.  This does not diminish his love for his family nor for me, it just feels more right for the moment.  And I'm happy we do live in the moment when we are together, every time.  Somehow our love has transcend normal or what people consider normal, and has invented itself and morphed into a great love that we can express in almost complete platonic friendship now.  Sure we both have moments when a certain song might be playing or one of us decides to stoke that banked fire in a discussion on line, but for the most part, I really feel that where I am with him is exactly right for us.

Getting In Tune with That Guy I honestly don't believe will ever happen, we are too different, and where we are alike could be scary for the entire world.  And besides, I kind of like him, right where he is, being his honest, agenda driven self.  I'm a little afraid of getting in tune with him, and I think that's the real reason I don't.

Getting In Tune with myself is what it's all about, and while I feel sometimes like I'm walking a tightrope of gossip while juggling my team and avoiding the crowd throwing innuendo at me, I'm keeping my balance.  Hell I'm having fun keeping my balance.  And as long as no one is getting hurt, I plan to continue to see as much of them as they desire, or can fit in.  And I am going to try to be in the moment more with each of them, instead of becoming suddenly shy or confused about my emotions.  I think this is the time in my life I'm suppose to be exploring them.

Perhaps a tuning fork would help. ;)