Sunday, December 9, 2012

Rooms On Fire

"Well maybe I'm just thinking that the rooms are all on fire....every time that you walk in the room..."

Knowing that I was on this song on the list this morning didn't make starting this blog any easier.  Rooms On Fire indeed.  Last night was suppose to be a quiet night, with no plans, waiting for Mr. Hopeful to be on line so we could chat a bit, in-between interruptions and while this is not ideal, it is all we have, and I promised him I'd be there....all for him...and I wasn't.  Well, I was, but I was distracted.  And I feel so guilty for it.

My plans changed suddenly yesterday, and I ended up with a date with Mr. Charisma that was suppose to be our usual Sunday, and while we still might be able to steal away today, neither of us wanted to put all our eggs into one basket and so we made sure we got to see each other last night, just in case.  You can see where this is going, right?  And I'm betting you expected a conflict much earlier, right?  And this whole situation was out of a romantic comedy, or tragedy, depending on your point of view.

"And then there would be someone who would enter into her presence...that she could sense for miles..."

When the time came to chat with Mr. Hopeful, even though I was content and happy to be with Mr. Charisma, I found myself drawn to my phone and it's insistent blinking light.  There he was....on time....wanting to spend what little time we have together and what was I doing?  Exactly what he wants me to do.  Date.  Find someone that can give me what I want and need.  Be happy.  So if that's true, then why did I care that he was waiting for me?

I think we all know the answer to that question, don't we?   I should have just told him that something came up, he would have understood, but been disappointed.  And I HATE to disappoint him.  He has so much in his life that he is already disappointed in, I can't be another.  I won't be.  But I have noticed that I've been devoting more time to Mr. Charisma than to any of the rest of the A-Team.  Well, Mr. Practical is lucky because he has probably not even noticed since his on line time has decreased as well.  And That Guy, well, as long as his approach is booty calls only, he will learn that my time is scheduled in advance or he won't see me.  That brings me to another curiosity that I mention only because I believe it has baring.  Mr. Confident made an appearance this week, and he has been absent for five months.  I didn't miss him, and I still don't.  And this time when he reached out to see if I wanted to play, I was so turned off, I hardly answered him, and I came up with a lame excuse about no time.

I understand what that means, when a man says he as no time for me, it really means he chooses not to make time for me.  I wonder if Mr. Confident understands this?  I'm betting with his ego he doesn't.  But since he didn't make the cut for the A-Team it really doesn't matter, except when I put it into sharp reality with Mr. Hopeful.  You see, he has no time for me. I'm hoping when my schedule changes at work that I will be use to staying up later and maybe, on a good night, we might be able to at least chat more, but seeing him seems to be more and more difficult.  And I'd hoped with more nights working he might find more time for us.  And maybe he will.  All I know is that I was very guilty in not telling him why I was so tired and distant.  And the only real reason I wasn't honest was because I didn't think he could handle it.  I thought he might be jealous and stop talking to me, like That Guy.  

And while I'm use to That Guy's sudden appearances and departures when he doesn't get an invite, I don't want Mr. Hopeful to fall into the category of 'booty call'.  I just don't like that feeling.  And yet with him, when he calls, and it suddenly works for us, it doesn't 'feel' like a booty call.  And yet technically, That Guy would argue it is.  I can't shake the feeling of how guilty I felt last night rushing the time I had with Mr. Charisma, who NEVER treats me like a booty call.  And why did I?  On the outside chance that Mr. Hopeful might really chat with me into the night, as he suggested, and then me not being able to stay awake.  And here Mr. Charisma, with just as much to lose, not only makes time for me every week, at least two times a week, sometimes three, and for hours at a time.  His actions make me feel like this is much more than what I'm willing to admit.  I felt guilty answering Mr. Hopeful, and he was the scheduled date.  And I know he's not jealous, not exactly, and he understands the situation, and is as 'okay' with it as anyone could be expected to be.  

I honestly think the real reason neither of them stomp their foot and make me only see them, is that they understand they have no right to do that to me.  Not as long as they are both 'otherwise engaged'.  Now if we were all less complicated, I'm sure I would have to choose.  And if I was made to choose right now, could I?  That's a good question.  I wish I had a good answer.

I'm sitting here in my ginormous bed, with the blinds open, watching it finally snow, and knowing that my actions speak volumes over my words.  And last night, I couldn't ignore him.  I'm sad that we can't be together, but I'm happy that I found someone that makes me not only forget that sadness, but look toward a future of happiness, seeing each other for as long as our feelings last.  Which I know sounds temporary, but may be more permanent than any marriage out there.  Is it possible to love two men at once?  Really?  I know Mr. Practical would say yes, as he swore he loved his finance and me at the same time and was very close to choosing me over the pending marriage, commitment, loyalty, and all that jazz won out there.  And he seems so much more stressed now that he has 'what he always wanted' I wonder if he ever wonders if he made the right choice there.  

I sometimes wonder if any of them are telling me the truth about what they feel for me.  When Mr. Hopeful tells me he loves me, I wonder if it's the same love I feel for him, or if it's more a grateful kind of respect and lust that I'm willing to be his mistress.  Same for Mr. Charisma.  Am I just what he needed to make his life feel perfect, to give him what he can't get from her anymore, or is it really me he loves?  Mr. Practical and I had to stop saying the 'L-word' because I just couldn't wrap my head around him loving us both equally.  I get that now, more than I ever did before.  Ironic that he is not involved in the equation anymore.  And that may be only because deep down inside I know how much he loves his wife and how happy he is with her.  I know we don't have a future, not even a fantasy one.  And that realization has hurt my writing with him, and I believe has hurt his writing with me as well.  

Maybe I'm looking at this all wrong.  Maybe for once I should just do what feels right and good for me.  Maybe I should make this about the fun I have when I'm with them, and let that be my guide on who gets to spend the most time with me.  Maybe I should just live my life, and stop worrying about how they see it, or if they feel jealous or if they love me or not.  In the end, it really only matters that I'm true to my feelings, and that's really all I can control.  And see if they can handle that.  Having to please me as much as they expect I should please them.  hum...Somehow empowering myself makes the guilt fade, and the love grow.  The desire to see them and spend good quality time together is what I want.  And from now on, I think that's all I'm going to accept.  Time together.  Time for us only.  Since I have to share them anyway, my time with them should be all about us, not about their lives without me.  Unless that effects us.  I think I need to be stronger in what I want and need out of these relationships.  Perhaps that will help me choose, when and if I ever need to.  
...."long nets of white cloud my memory..."