Sunday, December 7, 2014

Ghosts of Christmas Past, Present and Future

I'm not sure what it is.  There is a feeling that comes over me every December.  I’m not depressed, not even sad, really, but sentimental
…very sentimental.
And it's not over every Christmas past.   But like Scrooge, (or Scrooged if you like movies, like I do) one stands out.  Winter in general stands out with Mr. Hopeful.  It was winter all those decades ago where he and I talked on a snowy hike about a possible future together….
and it was winter when we broke up years later…
and (did you know) when it snows, (cue song)…I can’t help but see his face, at both those moments.  Have I told you lately that I think my relationship with him, over the years, has really helped me to understand how close love and hate really are?  Now don’t go jumping of ledges here, breath and hear me out.

I hate that I met him if we can’t be together….sometimes….
this time of year….more than any other.  And maybe it’s true, its because it’s Thanksgiving and Christmas….and New Years…
Eve….and another year gone without him.  Another year misplaced somehow, and yet, the year for me has been a very successful and happy one. I have had so much good to share with my loved ones….I just wish he was by my side while I was accomplishing them.  My heart says he is.  My heart says he always will be, because he cares about me and always has.  Just because we couldn’t make a relationship work, doesn’t mean we can’t be old friends, does it?  Sharing stories of our kids, and our trials and tribulations in this world.  
Like with all my other friends.  I try.  
God knows I try.  
But with him, its hard to be completely happy for his successes that he shares with her, and his kids.  And while I am happy for him, there is a small, small percentage….maybe 10….that glares with revenge filled satisfaction at his losses.  It used to be closer to 5% but it’s grown this year along with my unfulfilled desires to have an exciting life here in the Windy City.

Thankfully my distracted heart did not spoil any joyous Christmas present with my daughter yesterday.  (pun….lol)  We were shopping in the downtown said windy city, and DAMN why do we live near such a fucking huge lake this far north?!  ARE WE CRAZY?!  Hate lake effect show and ice and wind and fucking wind.  There were a couple of times with our packages in hand where First Daughter and I were almost blown off our feet.  Our inherited 18 dex of clumsy-ness and anti-stumbling saves made quippy remarks of the day a very “Gilmore Girls” moment.  We have a lot of those again in this city.  Another reason it was good for us both to get out of the sad memories of La Crosse.   She still calls it home. I think because First Son is there.  I call Chicago home.  Because I’m here.

Christmas future is starting to bleed into my self-imposed blue Christmas time.  And this is a good thing because I feel a lot more successful when I think of my future than when I think of my past or present.  I know I shouldn’t live in the either the past or future but at least I’m starting to find my future a more pleasant place to be in than my past.  I think its a greater understanding of myself and him and maybe what they call, “being in the present moment”.  I’m trying to fall out of love with him and I’m trying to think of him more in love with her and spending his free time with his family.  I create loving pictures of it in my mind to keep me from …
well to keep me from doing anything I may regret.
 I think this is growth, albeit strange and dangerous pendulum growth, but any growth is good, right?  She asked suggestive of agreement.