Sunday, December 21, 2014

Three Days Until Christmas Eve!

Three days.  Three days and I’ll be back “home” visiting family and friends.  That’s a funny concept isn’t?  To me Chicago is home now.  It’s where I live, work and play.  Where all my stuff is and well, if that isn’t home what is?

Many of you probably have had some family or friend from where you used to live ask you, “Are you coming home for Christmas?”  That has to be a wonderful feeling.  No one asked me that.  Not a single family member or a friend.  No one.  I do have one friend, That Guy, who asks often enough to qualify.  But It really didn’t surprise me that no one asked.  I asked everyone what they were doing for Christmas in case I might be able to squeeze in another friend.  I tell myself that’s why no one asked me, because I asked everyone before they could.  I think that’s an important point of my personality.  I tend to end things first, before they can.  I start them first too.  Sweep them off their feet before they have a chance to think.  I think of myself as a patient person, at least with kids I am.  But not so much with adults.  I love surprises, but I like to have a plan too.  I like to know where I’m staying and how much time I have.  I think it has to do more with knowing how busy people get and knowing I want to see them too, so I understand that planning ahead is important.  It’s not a large ego that does this it is just the opposite.  I know I’m not going to be first on anyones list so I remind them that I love them too, and I want some time.

For the most part that has worked for me.  And I get to see everyone that I’m hoping too except one man.  The one man I love the most this season is of course, too busy.  And he always will be.  I know this, and my heart knows this and it doesn’t seem to matter.  It has never diminished the love I feel for him.  I tried to move on last year with Mr. Charisma, and that was a complete disaster.  And I knew it would be but I kept pushing and instead of keeping him as a toy I let him get serious and that was the end.  For us both.  Even though we stayed together for a year it was not a happy time.  And I did it to try to forget The One.  He is everything that I want in a man.  He is not where he wants to be or with who he wants to be, but that’s not what I’m talking about.  I’m talking about him as a person.  What he feels, believes in, is passionate about.  His personality is what I miss.  Of course there is more that I miss.  Much more in a very hot and romantic department, but that is extra.  It’s not what calls to me in the middle of the night, when I’m tossing and turning in my bed.  It’s not the first thing I remember each morning when his face flashes across my vision with a smile that would melt the hardest icy heart.  It’s not the last thing I see at night when I close my eyes thinking of my loved ones back “home”.

They say you should surround yourself with people that want to be near you.  That make time for you.  But what if no one does that?  My First Daughter does.  We see each other every week for brunch and to catch up.  And it is one of the most important and fulfilling relationships of my life.  And I love her without equal.  My First Son doesn’t live here, but even when we lived in the same town we were lucky to see him twice a year, unless we were gaming.  Gaming gave us our weekly catch up and it was wonderful.  We do get to see him and his wife for Christmas so all is good there.   He works throughout the holiday so we won’t be staying with him, but at least we get as much free time as he has to catch up.  :)  And I can’t wait to see him.  I miss my First Son more than he can imagine.  I also have plans to see She of Little Combat Boots and That Guy, the Pirate YARR, and my closest Pat Head friend, so it will be a full schedule even without Mr. Hopeful.  But….I know my heart will think of him often….and I know my brain will dare my feet to find him….and I know I won’t.