Wednesday, December 25, 2013

Sometimes You Have To Talk It Out!

Merry Christmas!

I should stop there.  But I can't.  I don't want to.  I'm at a crossroads, and not sure what to do.  I have several options, most of which are immature, stubborn, or downright evil, so I'm reaching out.  Here. Where its safe and can't hurt me.  Where it's only my head that I'm talking to, only me.  I've made a horrible mistake, and poor choice in judgement in allowing Mr. Charisma into my heart and life.  It has been a roller coaster of emotions from the beginning.  If I'm honest, it has been as fun as its been scary.  I just don't want the scary parts anymore.  I tried, I really did try to love him and be who he needed me to be, but that was a mistake.  I was so lonely and alone and afraid, that I let a man into my heart that a few years ago I would never have even given him the time of day.  In fact he was so irritating to me when we first met, I didn't even remember him, until he reminded me, and the second time dismissed both him and his wife when we met years later.  Last year, was when he really made his move on me, and I have a feeling, since he had already read most of my blog by then, that he might have been stalking me a bit and I didn't know.  The more I look back on it, the more I feel like I was a plan.  A plan to have a catalyst to leave a bad marriage.  A rebound, if you will, because guess who is dating already?  Guess who, three days after I break up with him, he's meeting her kids at the movie theater, and his kids have already met her and well, wow, he's in love....and has a date on friday night with her.  I'm assuming his first, but who really knows?  And he used to tell me he was a slow mover.  NOW he wants me to know how right I was about him, that he's really a fast mover...said it twice in his text about her on Christmas Eve.  

MERRY CHRISTMAS!

He says he's not a player but I sure sense a pattern.  He says he fell in love with me, and the first five months grew more with me than 19 years with his ex wife.  And that it took him so long to figure it out that when the winds of change did blow he took what he learned from me and changed with them.  What he learned from me?  What he learned from me was how easy it is to con an older woman.  I wish I hadn't taught him that.  I wish I had meant more to him.  I wish it he had been telling me the truth when he said, "its not about being with someone else, it's about me being alone to heal."  right.....you just keep telling yourself that, because I don't believe it.  No one moves that fast, that doesn't have her waiting in the wings.  The Facebook friend accepting date is all the proof anyone needs.

So all the red flags of the way we got together, and the people he reminded me of from my past, all scary men that hurt me emotionally and or physically.  The strange lack of boundaries his daughters have with men and nudity, the strange ideas he lives by and the molds he tried to fit me into.  The year and two months I deserted almost everyone in my life, friends, family all to devote all my extra time to him, and it still wasn't enough.  Nothing I did or changed was ever enough.  I feel dirty and used and abused and I understand why his wife gains and losing the same 150 pounds over and over again.

I feel like I dodged a bullet, and yet....I'm jealous of her.   I want him back.  And then in the split second my brain imagines them together laughing,.....loving.......I want to disappear from his life.  I want to unfriend him again.  I want to run away because I shouldn't have to watch this.  What he did to me was bad enough, watching it is self inflicting damage.  And probably the most scary of all.  Is that I even consider staying his friend.  Telling him thats what I want.  Almost believing it....wanting to believe it.  Its been true every other time in the past.  I've always wanted to stay friends at the least.  But this time.....

This time.....

What did I learn....maybe if I can find a positive that came out of it.....
I learned how to eat better for a longer life.  Everything else was damaging to my ego, personality, confidence, self esteem, moral code.  And I want THAT back?  THAT is insane.  Why in Gods name would I want that?  Why would God put that in front of me....make that my life lesson?  Because he's starting to really remind me of Mr. Selfish.  And Mr. Hopeful....really close to Guezzo now.  I think I know what I was suppose to learn from that triangle long ago.   But maybe it wasn't what I thought.....maybe what I was suppose to learn then, was how to hate.  I just couldn't bring myself to hate any of the fathers of my children.  They are the fathers of my children!  But maybe thats exactly what I was suppose to learn.  Maybe that's why no one divorces like me and stays friends with them.  Maybe with the equation of children not being in the mix....for Mr. Charisma and I have no children between us and he kept his children away from me.  RED FLAG.  Maybe if the same lesson is put before me I'll see it this time?  NOPE.  Did the same thing again, only this time.....

This time....

I not only do not want to be friends, I can't be friends with him.  I can't watch him be happy so quickly after me.  This is purely ego and self preservation.  I gave up the world to be with him.  Thank god I didn't lose it all, only one big piece I'll never see again.  At least my family and friends are still supporting me, even if I feel destined to be alone.  And I promised myself after the first time this happened I'd never let it happen again, and I did.  Right down to the alcohol abuse and fear.  So afraid to choose what I really want instead of who really wants me.  When am I going to just go for the gold?  When am I going to believe in myself enough to not care so much about people that only want to hurt me.

Or as Carrie Bradshaw said to Mr. Big, "We are so over, we need a new word for over."

Welcome to the first bridge I've consciously burned.  Welcome to the first step down a path I've not seen.  Welcome to hate.  I need to reread all of Sandman.  I am finding that Desire has led me to Despair and Delight to Delirium.  And while it feels like my Destiny, if that's true it is the Destruction of all my Dreams, and I might as well welcome Death.

A crossroads, on a day of crosses...it's Christmas morning, and there is something magical about the love that is everywhere this day, as people near are snuggled together, united in families of love, there is so much hope on a morning like this.  There is something to that cosmic energy felt during religious holidays, or any time that humans put their minds to work in the same direction, at the same time.

Its in this community of love that I will take my first steps on a path I have never tried before, and always been very afraid of.  So I'm going to trust a greater plan, and try to have faith that this is the lesson to be learned, that I must face this fear to become a whole human.  Here I go, alone.  breathing, watching, being careful, and hoping that it will get easier every day, hoping that there is light at the end, because the beginning is rocky and full of thorny brambles as it twists out of my sight....

hey, that sounded a lot like writing....maybe that will help.....maybe I can come through this path stronger and happier.  Maybe the high road will win.  then again....there he is on line, and i'm talking to him because he is opening liking things on my wall that i posted for him to notice.  i'm insane...i should not be talking to him right now.  And I'm right, I should not be talking to him right now.  I got a lot off my chest, and it was better to burn the bridge and then post what I'd been writing when I saw him pop on.

We need a new word for over.....