Sunday, December 22, 2013

The Big Break Up of 2013

I want to say so much, but I feel like my tongue is tied.  I'm blessed with several friends that have come forward and asked how I am, and wanted to try to cheer me up.  I've contacted some of you personally just to keep you updated and you've listened even if you couldn't respond, and I'm happy for that too.  And you all have had great advice to give me to try to help me understand him if you know him, and even if you don't from the information you have.  

I've been reflecting on breaking up with Mr. Charisma.  I forced the issue on last Wednesday, a week before Christmas, but it was a mutual break up.  Only a matter of a few weeks if I had waited for him to make the decision.  And I was tired of trying and watching him be stressed and frustrated with me, with us.  When I have felt happy and know that any issues we had could have been worked out in time and with love and real compassion and understanding.  Lord knows I tried, but he waffles between his feelings so much and can't really be sincere.  I believe this is because he doesn't know what he wants.  And I believe that while I felt like he and I had a shot at greatness, he just wasn't ready, and add into that a very stubborn nature, even if he liked what he found, he was going to stomp his feet and not be ready because that was his vision.  Like his vision of what a happy marriage was at 8 years old......who can know at 8 years old?  He also found that woman, only to be with her, have three kids, and be unhappy for the entire 19 years he was there....I guess that plan worked, right?  He feels he's been misunderstood his entire life, but I think he doesn't know what he wants so he reflects mixed signals, and becomes misunderstood.  I also think that we understand him very well, but he can't admit who he really is.  And what he really wants.  Because he doesn't respect it, or has felt in the past that it was not a good way to be.  Perhaps even taught it by his parents.  Who knows?  But if he can find himself he will eventually love himself, and then he will know what he wants.  I hope once he does he will reach out to me and let me see if who he has become is someone that I want in my life.  But i believe since he is not responding to my attempts at friendship, which he said he wanted, that I will never hear from him again.  And this breaks my heart and makes me feel like the entire year and two months were not real.  That in the end I meant nothing to him.  

One of his male friends told me "Say what you need to say and be patient.  He will eventually respond when his complacency subsides."  wow....and this from his friend, not mine.  his complacency....
com·pla·cen·cy
kəmˈplāsənsē/
noun

1.            1.
a feeling of smug or uncritical satisfaction with oneself or one's achievements."the figures are better, but there are no grounds for complacency"
2.            synonyms:
3.            smugness, self-satisfactionself-congratulationself-regard; gloating,triumphpridesatisfactioncontentment"the complacency he felt as a math student was abruptly shaken when he took his first calculus exam"

4.             
5.


com·pla·cen·cy (k m-pl s n-s ). n. 1. A feeling of contentment or self-satisfaction, especially when coupled with an unawareness of danger, trouble, or controversy.


I've been reflecting on how many times he wanted to break up in the last year and two months, wanted to break up enough to discuss it with me, and the grand total is three.  Once in March, I talked him out of it and tried to get him to understand that with my history of divorce I was uniquely qualified to understand and help and he didn't have to be alone.  I should have let him go then.  He needed to be alone.  I see that now.  But way too late.  Too late to have avoided all the arguments and things said by us both that we shouldn't have, that we can never take back.  I hated being alone, even though I'm sure it was good for me, but I hated it after my split from my last serious boyfriend all those years ago.  

The second time was in September out of frustration from all those arguments and different ways we see life and the world.  I let him go that time to chase his answers and sexual exploration that didn't turn out the way he had hoped.  I took him back, but should not have, because he still needed time.  I wanted us to be casual from the beginning, but I was too flattered to keep him as a possible suited, and accepted his wishes to be exclusive too soon.  I was hoping that in September he would loosen up, and not be so serious, but he fell right back into what he would call 'husband mode'.  Its unfortunate really that he doesn't know how to just express the love he had for me without getting serious.  And to just take his time and get to know me before investing so much love and tenderness into us.  Its too bad that he feels so right all the time in his decisions, because he takes his time he feels he is not rushing into anything.  But he still does rush, he still makes mistakes.  And I have to believe I was a mistake instead of the right choice.  Its too bad that he just doesn't love me as much as I loved him....love him...

I miss him, and I'm sad.  And now I'm waffling between anger, and sadness, and fond memories.  I want him back, but not stressed and not out of loyalty or duty.  But out of love and tenderness and a deep want for us.  For me.  Not the idea of me or that I can be put into some kind of mold or vision and he will be happy


I have a lot to think about, and I think I need to be alone to do it.  And not I even sound like him.  Lost and alone.