Do We Stay Out Of Love Or Duty?

 A black and white photo on Post Secret caught my eye this morning.  The post card was of a little girl handing a colored on red flower to a sobbing little boy.  It read:  "So maybe you're a little more messed up than what I had bargained for...that doesn't mean that I'm going to stop caring for YOU."  Then you turned it over and it said, "I'm not going anywhere."  

I instantly feel in love with the person that had to express this because its often where I believe Mr. Charisma is with me.  And sometimes, if I'm honest, where I am with him.  I know it will hit many of you in many different ways, but I got joy out of it more than pain.  A commitment, or resolve to try just a little bit harder with him than I have with any other man, because I love him.  Because the good is so much better than any bad that we have.  

I have some friends out there, that shall remain nameless, who are in relationships where this is also true.  This feeling of helplessness about being in love with someone who is a bit broken and might need some extra understanding or care, every once in a while.  I have a couple of friends, who within the last couple of years have been very open with their intimate lives with me, and made me aware that the daily struggle to remain sane, and themselves, while trying to care for their mates ever changing emotional situations.  I try to advise, hopefully without too much 'I told you so' and joke with them to see if it is just a passing thing, a phase, if you will, as in hormonal; or if it is something much more serious, like a constant state.  If they don't laugh at my highly improper joke or defend their mate when I fall into "I told you so"-mode, I can only assume they are miserable.  Especially since they both can be sarcastic and have very good senses of humor.   

And in defense of love, they stay with their mates.  I can only assume that even though I'm only hearing the 'bad day' or the 'bad moment', that overall, their situations MUST be happier than I had originally believed.  When I asked them, "Why they stay?"  I get everything from, "I love her" to "The kids" to "If this marriage fails, I'm done with relationships," to silence.  Some of those sound like love, some sound like duty.  

I can't imagine staying with anyone out of duty.  Love I get.  Love I strive for.  Love is easy when its right, or at least the good times make the bad ones seem less important.  Sometimes now when I think of early on disagreements we may have had, I can't even remember why we fought.  Some are still big ones we are working through, but we are working through them.  I think that is normal for where we are in our relationship.  This chapter of my life is moving much slower than any of my past ones.  And I'm really happy about that.  I know sometimes I may seem frustrated by it, but in reality I'm not.  I think I need to see what a normal dating relationship is like.  Something that takes time to grow and is not force-fed a dose of commitment before the deeper love has been achieved.  Something that can only take place with time together.

I've said it once and I'll say it again.  When two people really are in love, they want to spend all their free time together.  Now while I know this is impossible, it does not erase the fact of the FEELING being there.  When I miss him, I miss him fondly.  It is rare now, that I miss him and wonder what he's up to.  Or who he is with.  Or if he is with someone else.  As an only child who is use to getting what she wants when she wants it, it is a new reality for me to have to wait and see.  And to live the journey instead of being so preoccupied on getting to the end... Getting to a label.  

So I'm trying a new mindset.  It's something I came up with all by myself, and I think it will be a huge fad.  I'm trying not to care about what may happen, and have some....gulp....faith.  How's that for a shocker?  Have some faith in myself, and him and what we feel and that everyone else will come around, with time.  

Cheers

Is My Journey Starting To Scare Me?

I'm discovering some new habits in my life in the last few months.  It's almost impossible to put a 'time stamp' on it, as my love would say, but I know its been longer than a few weeks.  And they all started cropping up at once.  Its as if, a switch has been flipped inside me, and all of a sudden, I'm finding myself, stronger, less afraid, and more confident and determined to be understood, than ever before in my life.  And I owe this awakening to Mr. Charisma.  I understand what it means now, that feeling of loving someone so much that you want to be a better person, the best you, when they are around.  Meeting him, and getting to know him over this last year, has been so healing, and miraculous in its discoveries.  The ways that I am changing and the me that I am getting to know, is a part of myself that I have kept hidden from most of the world, and shown to only the person I most love at the time.  I have come to realize that saving some of my best parts for only that special person, is wonderfully romantic, but denies the rest of the world, half my personality....the best half, in my opinion.  But I believe I do this from past hurts, low self esteem, and great fear of rejection.  (writer/actress....go figure).

Through my journey in life, so far, I have found myself on many a path that was difficult at first and slowly, with discussion and understanding, and sometimes heavy cranes, a smoother path is reviled, and easier way to continue.  In my distant past, always with a companion, in the more recent past alone, or with a sometimes companion.  I know our timing sucks, but our hearts are not being denied this time.  In spite of our differences, we are drawn to each other, and together find a peace that no one else can help us achieve.  A sure safe-haven of trust and almost complete honesty.  And I mean that as a huge compliment because I believe no one can be completely honest with another person.  Hell, sometimes we aren't even honest to ourselves.

I am quickly coming to the part of my journey with this man, where I am really starting to take shape in the directions I want to go, and the way with him is feeling less and less complicated.  This honesty came at a huge price, but I think, in the end, it will be worth it.  I have felt strong connections like this before, connections that I felt could stand the test of time, distance, love, divorce, life, and still be connected.  Maybe not as strongly as when entwined, but still a thread of respect, hope and the unconditional love that forgiveness brings.  I know no matter what happens with him from this day forward, we will be in each others lives somehow.

And as much as I wish I could let myself be swept away by this man, I am still, a year later, keeping one foot on the ground.  Call it lack of trust, call it broken, call it CGB, call it whatever you want, but I am going to protect myself.  And somehow be understood.

Wish me luck.

Are We Only Creative When Completely Disappointed and Unhappy?

I've always been disappointed with artistic women that seem to lose their creativeness when they stop being angry and get happy.  For example, Amanda Palmer, Alanis Morissette, Pat Benatar, Amiee Mann, Gwen Stefani, Tori Amos.  I mean really.  I miss these women and their music.  But it seems as soon as they found love and started having kids and being, well, happy, I lost interest in what they were trying to tell me.  It's really sad to me to see the creative process linked so much to the soul and mind.  I know its necessary to be truly great, but its sad to me.  Because I want both.  I want happy endings for these women.  I've read their poetry in song lyrics, and felt their pain in intense singing sessions from my bed with headphones on.  I've danced around my apartment cleaning to them or working out with the songs blaring away in my head, with or without electronic accompaniment.  And as much of a fan as I am to them all, I've only seen one of them live.  And Tori was great!  Biter, brokenhearted, hot, redhead, singing her guts out and playing a piano like a rock guitar god!  The way you think Beethoven or Mozart might have really played for their close companions.  I immediately saw the Tree that Neil Gamin publicly wrote was her, AND Delirium whom we all secretly know is her.

I've seen one other female performer live, that still speaks to my heart and soul and still makes me feel sane with what she is trying to tell me.  That's Stevie Nicks.  And she will always be my favorite female performer.  There is a petition going round the internet that reminds me of the one that went around for RUSH for ten years, before they got in.  And it's in favor of Stevie being inducted into the Rock N Roll Hall of Fame for her solo work.  I would love this to happen.  She'd be the only female performer to be inducted twice.  Once for her work with Fleetwood Mac, and then for her solo work.  I looked it up.   Only a few men have accomplished this, and only Eric Clapton three times.  (The Yardbirds, Cream, and his solo work).  Of course the members of the Beatles, and Crosby, Stills, Nash and Young came to mind.  But I admit I forgot about Michael Jackson, Johnny Cash and Jimmy Page....opps.  What an honorable list to be the only woman on?  Now the nominations for the 2014 year are out and she's not on it, according to my source.  But I am hoping for soon.  John McVee (bass player for Fleetwood Mac) diagnosed with cancer and Fleetwood Mac canceled the Australian leg of the world tour.  It would be sad if he didn't live long enough to see his band become a part of rock music history, twice.  Stevie is far and away the most deserving female artist, of her generation, for this honor.  And I also have to admit that I was surprised that Diana Ross had not already done this for The Supremes , and her solo work.

I wish the popular choice of the amount of albums, 8 tracks, cassette tapes, and cd's purchased had more influence.  I wish the fans voice meant more in this process.  Perhaps if it did many deserving artists like, KISS (eligible since 1999), Bon Jovi, The Cars, B-52's, Cheap Trick, Sonny and Cher (eligible since 1990), Depeche Mode, Chicago (eligible since 1994), Berry White (eligible since 1994), The Moody Blues (eligible since 1989), Jethro Tull (eligible sine 1993), Deep Purple (eligible since 1994 and first nomination is for 2014!) Journey and "Weird Al" Yankovic might already be in the Hall of Fame.

I miss my music.  It's starting to disappear, like the music of the 50's, 60's and 70's before it has.  I hear more and more music from the 90's again as classic rock.  WOW.  That really made me feel old for just a split second.  The new music I discover now is mostly from my boyfriend or my kids or their friends.  My newest favorite is What the Fox says.  And here is a link for all you over 40 types that may be starting to not listen.

http://youtu.be/jofNR_WkoCE

Cheers and hottie, hottie, hottie, ho

Patterns Of The Broken Hearted

I've spent a lot of time on this blog reflecting on my patterns and how I've repeated some that just are not healthy.   I'm not perfect by any means but I do feel like I continually get better at the issues I'm trying to improve.  I have my moments of back sliding.  I love to talk and discover what is hidden in our psyche.  The things that make us who we are, especially with people I love.  When I discover a difference in a stranger I don't really care.  I might for a customer try to empathize enough to build report, but not really delve into the why's or care as deeply as I do with a man I'm in love with.

With my current love, we have a lot of differences, see life very differently.  This is both a fascinating and painfully dangerous.  For when certain topics are brought up, and we can't agree on the motives or reasons why, or emotions behind actions, it can be very hurtful for the person that felt wronged or hurt,  What I didn't realize with him, is that he gets even more hurt by disappointing me.  I'm sure other men in my past may have felt this, but none have been able to express it to me the way he has.  I have hurt him in ways I can hardly comprehend.  And it has been good for me, for I am seeing it, perhaps for the first time in my life and am trying to make changes that stop hurting him.  And I think I'm making great strides.  But it doesn't matter.  Guess why?

He doesn't forgive.  He holds on to negative impressions and lets go of all our positive ones, and holds a grudge.  Not one that is final, but one that slowly tears him apart until he has to leave to find some new happy.  This is the exact same pattern for him in his relationships.  This is not for me.  So I'm growing in this relationship, even if he can't see it or feel it or believe it will last. And he is stagnant.

He used to feel like being with me was 'coming home'.  He shared with me last night that he doesn't feel that anymore and he's not sure when it changed.  He had a similar feeling five weeks ago when he tried to break up with me.  So I'm back to walking on eggs.  I wonder why he even keeps trying when all I can see for a future with him now, is heartbreak of repeated patterns that will end up disappointing him.  I can't be a disappointment in love.  I must be the joy he can't want to come home to.  And if he has lost that, then he has lost what brought him to me.  He says he is chipping away at it and is hoping for a big break.  Aren't we all?  Don't we all chip away at the things that block our paths?  That make our lives a struggle or that we don't understand, until we have a moment of clarity?  I hope he finds his big break.  The great nurturer that I am is tied up in a corner of my mind, and gagged, because  I can't trust her not to coddle him.  And while I know he needs that, so do I.  And while I know I have to give that, I wonder why?  Will I give him everything he needs just to find out that it's still not good enough for him?  That he will still not trust the sex?  Still not trust the love because it was too fast, too deep?  He wants me to fall into him with abandon, and yet he can't get swept away?  That's not fair, and not right.  But it is who he is.  And I love him.  So I'm left with trying, growing and hoping that we can grow together but fearing that we will grow apart, just like they did, only much quicker.

I can also see us very old and very happy together, walking hand in hand and discussing everything we know.  And this feels right and true, and worth every minute of the issues about sex that, frankly at our ages, won't matter much longer anyway.  Not in the scope of the many, years I hope to have left with him.  I can't bear the thought of being just another sweet gal he gave a piece of his heart to that didn't work out.

I have much to work on.  I hope he wants me around while I am.

When Harry Met Sally

Happy Anniversary to us.  One year ago last night Mr. Charisma and I took a step together.   A step along a path that would change our lives forever.  It wasn't the first time we met, although I must admit I can hardly remember meeting him, since it was two years ago at Mr. Hopeful's birthday party.  My mind was not on meeting new people, but Mr Charisma remembered me, and although we didn't see each other for almost a year after that, I'm betting it was a fond remembrance.  When we met the second time it was through our mutual business connections.  He was a vendor for a supply company that the company I worked for ordered from, so it was strictly business....Until a year ago last night.

We had both been invited to a birthday party of a mutual friend of ours.  I didn't really expect to run into him but was very pleased when I did, as other than our mutual friend, I knew no one else at this gathering.  I have since come to know some of them much better, which I'm also happy about, for they are all good people.

Mr. Charisma and I fell instantly in lust, with a lot of suggestive flirting, and just plain talking.  I enjoyed his company and I could tell he didn't want to let anyone else get too close to me, and pretty much monopolized my attention the entire party.  From restaurant to bar, to bar, to dancing, to bar, and back to my place.  The lust was obvious, and the love quickly followed. This was a huge surprise to us, as we were in very different places emotionally and mentally; AND with other people at the time.  We tried not to love each other, and almost successfully pushed each other away several times over the last year, but our love just keeps reaching out for each other.  And eventually, six months ago he took another huge step along a path toward me, and got away from that other relationship.

We have discovered so much about each other that no one else bothered to have the love, understanding or patience to discover.  And have helped each other in very deep and healing moments.  We end up having more patience than we would with each other than anyone else.  More understanding, more desire to understand, and more ability to change into better people.  You see changing with someone when you are in love is a good thing.  Being willing to admit to yourself that you want to be a better person, not for yourself only but for this other human you have met and fallen so in love with that you want them to be proud of you.  Love you.  See the best side of you.  And so you try harder.  They say we always hurt the ones we love, the ones we shouldn't hurt at all.  And I think that's true too, but it shouldn't be.  We shouldn't hurt the ones we love because we know they will forgive us.  We shouldn't become lazy in love or complacent because we won her (or him) so now we don't have to try as hard.

Mr Charisma showed up on my door step with red roses and pink tiger lilies.  My two favorite flowers which he did not know.  He swept me away to one of our special restaurants for a romantic dinner.  This is a new place we discovered together, with very good food, and reasonably priced and they are so wonderful there and treat us like they know us every time we go.  I guess we are regulars now.  Your anniversary restaurant is an important choice.  I thought he might pick the restaurant of our friends birthday, but I'm glad he picked the one he did.  It means more to me that he would pick a place the he felt was just ours.  I've always loved our Saturday nights/Sunday mornings, but this week he really out did himself.  And by all reports my trip to Victoria Secrets was well worth it.

Cheers.

Fortress Around Your Heart - Sting

A lot of words have been tossed around over the last four weeks....wow....has it been that long?  The "starting over" or "seeing each other anew" has been a very interesting experiment.  You see when Mr. Charisma and I met we weren't completely ourselves.  I'm not saying we completely misrepresented ourselves, but lets just say, our flirty, playful, and sex-starved selves were really out to play that night.  That being said, once that self-image was discovered, by both, we realized we actually might just like each other WAY beyond attraction.  And I mean this word 'attraction' in all its facets.  Both mentally and physically -- the heart and mind united, in a single, perfect, sphere....(ah...Neil,  thank-you)

And over the almost year now that we have been unable to stop touching each other, or anxiously waiting a comment on an important daily event, or say good morning, and good night...every single day....even if angry or disappointed in each other.  Our connection both physical and mental, (here's where we both trust one over the other...best you can't guess which one is physical....bet ya.)  is very strong and seems no matter how hard we both try to sever it, it just can't be broken.  WTF? is wrong with this stupid connection!  Doesn't it know that it pisses us both off to find out that we might just be made for each other?!  REALLY?  0_O  Where we are alike we are so alike, but where we are different we are like polar opposites that not only attract each other, but actually NEED to learn from each other.  NEED to have met and been together.  Or, hopefully BE together.  Just breathing and be....that's the hardest part for two lovers who have met in their individual journeys, coming from to very different directions, but somehow having met at the same place.  With the same unfulfilled needs.

I understand why I have met him and why now, and why he is in my life; and I hope after this time together from last night through to tomorrow morning, if I'm lucky, he will understand why he has met me...now.  

We are committed to trying, and in understanding that we just can't live without each other.   Sometimes that is a really hard thing to admit.  Especially if you honestly feel like you are meant to be on a solo journey.  Or you feel you only hurt those you love and have a wake of lost souls and broken hearts behind you.  Hard to admit that you may have not only met your match, but your compliment.

It must be love, because I can't explain it.  It just is...

"And if I built this fortress around your heart
Encircled you in trenches and barbed wire
Then let me build a bridge
For I cannot fill the chasm
And let me set the battlements on fire"

Cheers

Beyond the Veil

New connections with familiar loves are very possible.  You have to let down your defenses, no matter how you accomplish this, it must be done.  Once your defenses are down, the next step is crucial.  Listen.  Listen with your mind, not your heart.  Have your heart ready to feel, and give you important input, but do not let your heart be your guide in this.  Especially if you are passionate.  Especially if your emotions are like the ocean, forever ebbing and flowing, increasing in velocity until a gentle loving brush against the sand becomes a hurricane of fear bashing against the shore.

Your mind will be your guide and you will be able to reason yourself out of the torrent and into the eye of the storm.  Where, if successfully listening to your intellect, you will be able to calm your emotions to a rational, and logical state of awareness.  THIS is how growth is accomplished for me.  This is how I handle immediate hurts and when I'm successful I do not blow up.  When I am not, is when the storm comes.

This week I had several moments of clarity, in which old, and thought healed hurts, were revisited by comparison.  My heart shut me down.  Made me believe that because it felt like an old hurt it would BE a new one.  Made me not trust, or even want to try.  That's not because I'm not in love or trust him.  It's because the old hurts were not healed.  The old pain of being tossed aside for another were still very raw.  Sad really, because I was sure I had conquered that.  Sure my confidence was real, not armor.  Sure that my ability to forgive and move on was real and not just 'what I should do.'  Not just what he needed me to do.

I have always known that I chose men that found me attractive.  That choose me first.  I have come to understand this might not be the best way to find a mate.  (laughing at myself here)  But it has been fun in finding sex partners.  Unfortunately I want more than just sex from my partners.  I don't just connect with sex.  I connect first with my intellect, then very, very firmly with sex.  As an almost exclamation point to the wonderful mental connection I have already established.  But why do I wait to see who choses me?  Why don't I choose?  I could say it's because I'm shy, but I doubt any of you that know me personally would agree with this.  But it could be true.  I could say it's because I'm afraid of rejection.  That sounds more like me, as a writer, actress, lover...pretty much the entire risk categories of my hobbies.  (I know that sounds bad, lover as a hobby...not sure I mean that, but DAMN when sex is good its fun, and hobbies should be fun.   But until one of my lovers decides, once and for all, that I'm the one, I guess I have to consider all sex as fun instead of love....this saddens me, but it may be true.  Not sure yet.)

I have found out, after having Mr. Charisma read my screenplay Regrets, that he does this too, and have done this in our past...choose only the ones that have chosen us first.  And basically this has not worked for us.  Now I know you are asking, how is this true?  How can you be together if you both wait?  Well the night we got together we both did wait.  I saw immediately how much he was into me, and I let him continue to flirt and I flirted back, until I saw that he wanted to take me home....but he never closed the deal.  He couldn't.  I didn't know this then.  All I saw was a player, a guy out on the town trying to hook up, while he told other gals that were texting him, that he was busy.  Including his relationship at the time,  boy, did I feel desired.  At this point I felt he had chosen me, so I allowed it to go farther than I ever have with anyone else, publicly.  (Yay!  Slutty growth! Or if you watch Scandal, "We have a slutty President problem.")--But growth, none the less.  He had no idea that I wasn't this way with all the boys.  See the problem yet?  Anyway, I finally closed the deal and we ended up at my place.  For him that was me choosing him.  So we both waited.

And now it feels like we are in love and both still waiting.

Waiting for the other to be who we think we know, and seeing the real person, not the images we met under, has been eye opening, intense, intellectual, growth inspiring, healing, painful, cathartic, sexually healing, hopeful, calming, frustrating, surprising, passionate, curious, probing, and honest.

I think all of that is worth keeping.  And I want this man in my life forever.  I just don't know how to make that happen.  And my big brain keeps telling me that is good, because that will keep me interested and trying.  And my big heart keeps telling me, its worth it.

cheers

ps.  he liked the screenplay so much he wants to read the novel I wrote that inspires it...have to find it.  And he is curious about the fantasy novel I was writing with Mr. Practical.  Which I have e-mailed to him to read.  And now I am wanting to write again.  Stay tuned on this.  This could be big.